The Condensed Works of William Shakespeare
by Sicily
Summary: A collection of Shakespeare plays and poetry shortened, parodied, and made understandable to a modern-day readership.
1. A Midsummer Night's Dream

**The Condensed Works of William Shakespeare**  
by Sicily  
  
Collectively Rated: Most of these fall around PG. A few of them up it to somewhere near PG-13; all of those will be labelled as such.  
Category: Theater humor  
Summary: Shakespeare simplified.  
  
Disclaimer: Shakespeare wrote all his own stuff; none of these is my own creation. I originally got the idea to condense Shakespeare from Zeke's Five Minute Voyager page (); he runs a terrific site, which you should definitely check out. Go Zeke go.  
  
Notes: Previously published as separate entries in the Parody category.  
  
Acknowledgements: Will be separate every chapter. For this one, I am indebted to the AVHS Midsummer cast and the Playreaders, as well as many, many authors here (Rug, Blue Lightnin', Kain DeLuman, and Capt. Janeway, to name only a few), as well as Spastic HSS and my family, for the writing of this play. I would like to thank them.  
  
  
  
The Condensed Version of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_  
by Sicily  
  
**Theseus:** I can't wait til we get married!  
**Hippolyta:** Try.  
**Theseus: **Okay.  
  
**Egeus: **I want to kill my daughter.  
**Theseus: **Why?  
**Egeus: **She won't marry Demetrius.  
**Theseus: **Oh, all right then.  
**Hermia: **Crap.  
  
**Lysander:** It'll be okay, Hermia. We'll run away.  
**Hermia: **Fine by me.  
**Helena: **I wish I was pretty like you! Then maybe Demetrius would like me!  
**Hermia: **Sorry. It's okay though, I'm going to run away with Lysander. Don't tell anybody, though.  
**Helena: **Okay, I'll only tell Demetrius.  
  
**Quince: **Is everybody here?  
**Everybody: **Yep.  
**Quince: **Great. Okay, we're going to do the play Pyramus and Thisbe because Shakespeare wants to advertise for his new play, Romeo and Juliet.  
**Everybody: **Okay.  
**Quince: **Bottom, you get the male lead.  
**Bottom: **No! That's not good enough! I want a better part! Don't you like me?  
**Quince: **Deal with it. Flute, you get the female lead.  
**Flute: **But I'm not a girl.  
**Quince: **Deal with it.  
**Bottom: **I'll do it!  
**Quince: **No, you won't.  
**Bottom: **Aw, crap.  
**Quince: **Okay, everybody else will do other stuff.  
**Everybody: **Okay.  
**Bottom: **I could do the other stuff, too!  
**Quince: **No, you can't.  
**Bottom: **Aw, crap.  
  
**Fairy: **La de da.  
**Puck: **Boo!  
**Fairy: **Eeek! Hey, I know you! You're Puck.  
**Puck:** Duh.  
**Fairy:** Uh oh, here comes Titania.  
**Puck: **Uh oh, here comes Oberon.  
  
  
**Oberon: **Oh, it's you.  
**Titania: **Oh, it's you. I'm leaving.  
**Oberon: **Not so fast. I'd like you to know, I'm not speaking to you.  
**Titania: **Oh. What a loss.  
**Oberon:** If you give me a present, I'll speak to you again.  
**Titania: **Forget it.  
**Oberon: **Fine. You can just leave.  
  
**Oberon:** Oooo, I'm so mad. I'm gonna do something bad to her.  
**Puck: **Cool.  
**Oberon: **Bring me a flower. A purple one.  
**Puck: **Be right back.  
  
**Helena: **Do you like me?  
**Demetrius: **No, I hate you.  
**Helena:** Okay, how about now?  
**Demetrius: **I still hate you. Go away.  
**Helena: **Okay. You know, if I weren't in love with you, I'd be really mad that you're treating me this way.  
**Demetrius:** Go AWAY!  
  
**Puck: **I'm back!  
**Oberon: **Great. I'll take that one, you take this one. I'll go mess with Titania while you move one of the other plot threads along.  
**Puck:** What should I do?  
**Oberon:** Put some love juice on the wrong Athenian's eyes.  
**Puck: **Why?  
**Oberon: **Why not?  
  
**Titania:** Time to go to bed, even though my powerful and dangerous husband is mad at me and my fairies are lousy guards.  
**Fairies: **Okay. Goodnight.  
  
**Oberon:** Hah! Take that! I hope you fall in love with a snail!  
  
**Lysander:** I don't know how to tell you this, but we're lost.  
**Hermia:** You stink. Let's randomly go to bed out in the middle of the forest to advance the plot.  
  
**Puck:** Hey, an Athenian! Here you go, lover boy!  
  
**Demetrius:** I still hate you.  
**Helena:** Just for that, I'll leave.  
**Demetrius: **Fine by me.  
**Helena: **Fine. Lysander! Demetrius doesn't like me!  
**Lysander:** That's okay. I do.  
**Helena:** No, you don't. You like Hermia.  
**Lysander:** No, I like you.  
**Helena: **Eeek!  
  
**Hermia:** Where is everybody?  
  
**Quince: **Is everybody here?  
**Everybody:** Yep.  
**Quince: **Okay, let's rehearse.  
  
**Puck: **Ooooo.  
  
**BottomDonkey:** Hey, where did everybody go?  
**Titania: **Wow. You're hot.  
**BottomDonkey:** Thanks.  
  
  
**Puck:** She's in love with a donkey!  
**Oberon:** Cool!  
  
**Demetrius:** Do you like me yet?  
**Hermia: **No. Go away.  
  
**Oberon:** You did it wrong!  
**Puck: **I know, I'm sorry and all, but isn't this hilarious?  
**Oberon:** Go fix it.  
**Puck:** Oh, fine, be that way.  
  
**Lysander:** I love you!  
**Helena:** Go away!  
**Demetrius:** I love you more than he does!  
**Helena: **Eeek!  
**Hermia:** Augh! You stole my guy!  
**Helena:** Payback time.  
  
**Oberon: **Fix it.  
**Puck:** Aw, man.  
  
**  
Titania:** I love you.  
**BottomDonkey:** Thanks.  
  
**Oberon:** Y'know, I'm starting to feel sorry for her. I guess I'll fix it.  
  
**Titania:** Oberon? What happened? Tell me so I can forget I'm mad at you for playing a nasty, misogynistic trick on me.  
  
**Theseus:** My hounds are pretty cool, you know.  
**Hippolyta:** Wow, you know what? I like hounds, too!   
**Egeus:** Augh! My daughter's asleep on the ground next to a guy!  
**Theseus:** Let's wake them up.  
**Lovers:** We don't know what happened.  
**Demetrius:** By the way, I'm in love with Helena now.  
**Egeus: **Crap!  
**Theseus:** C'mon, let's go get married.  
  
**Bottom:** Wow, that was some dream!  
  
**Mechanicals:** Wah! We miss Bottom!  
**Bottom:** Here I am.  
**Mechanicals:** Yay!  
  
**Theseus:** So, you guys wanna watch a movie or something before bed?  
**Everybody:** Sure.  
**Theseus: **How bout Pyramus and Thisbe?  
**Philostrate:** Um, sir? I've seen that. It sucks.  
**Theseus:** I don't believe you. You're just a stupid servant. Just for that I want to watch that one.  
**Philostrate:** Okay, suit yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you.  
**Hippolyta:** Oh, well. If it's too bad, we can make snide comments throughout to ease the boredom.  
**Theseus:** Exactly. It's the Shakespearian equivalent of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.  
**  
Quince:** Crap, I hope I don't screw up! Wait a sec, I just did.  
**Bottom:** That's okay. I'll cover for you by overacting very badly.  
**Theseus:** This play sucks.  
**Lion:** Grrrrrr.  
**Thisbe:** Eeeek.  
**Theseus: ** Groan.  
**Pyramus:** I'm going to kill myself!  
**Hippolyta:** Finally.  
**Thisbe:** I will too!  
**Demetrius:** Finally.  
**Theseus:** Ah, good, they're all dead. Bedtime.  
  
**Oberon:** Bless this house.  
**  
Puck:** Hope you liked the play . . . if not, fake it, cause fairies really love applause. Remember the whole Tinker Bell deal? It's that kind of thing. Please clap. Thanks.


	2. Romeo and Juliet

The Condensed Version of _Romeo and Juliet_  
by Sicily  
  
**Chorus:** Since we don't have the internet in Shakespeare's time, I'm here to give you the latest spoiler about Romeo and Juliet: They fall in love and they die! Enjoy the show.  
  
**Capulet:** I hate you.  
**Montague:** I hate you more!  
**Capulet: **Bite me!  
**Prince:** If this fighting doesn't stop, I'm sending you both to your rooms.  
**Capulet and Montague:** Wah!  
  
**Benvolio: **What's wrong?  
**Romeo: **None of your beeswax.  
**Benvolio:** Aw, come on.  
**Romeo: **Wait a sec, I'm not done pouting and whining.  
**Benvolio:** You're still in love with Rosaline, aren't you?  
**Romeo:** Maybe.  
  
**Capulet: **Oh, yeah, my daughter's great.  
**Paris: **So, can I marry her?  
**Capulet: **She's only thirteen, you perv!  
  
**Benvolio:** No, seriously, crashing a Capulet party will make you feel lots better.  
**Romeo:** Hmmm. . . . okay. Can't hurt.  
  
**Lady Capulet:** So, Juliet, what do you think about marrying Paris?  
**Juliet:** Umm, I am only thirteen . . .   
**Nurse: **She'll look so pretty in a nice white dress!  
**Juliet:** Hey, wait just a sec!  
  
**Mercutio:** So, you coming?  
**Romeo: **I'm still not done pouting and whining.  
  
**Romeo:** Wow, she is FINE!  
  
**Romeo:** Um, hi.  
**Juliet:** Um, hi.  
**Romeo:** Can I kiss you?  
**Juliet:** Isn't this a little sudden?  
**Romeo: **What if I spout poetry first?  
**Juliet:** Isn't this a little sudden?  
**Romeo: **Shut up and let me, or we won't have a plot.  
**Juliet: **Okay, then.  
  
**Romeo:** Who _is_ she?  
**Nurse:** Juliet Capulet.  
**Romeo:** Oh, sh-  
  
**Juliet:** Who _is_ he?  
**Nurse:** Romeo Montague.  
**Juliet:** Oh, sh-  
**Nurse:** Whatever.  
  
**Benvolio:** Aw, where're you going?  
**Romeo:** Umm, bathroom break. Yes, that sounds good.  
  
**Juliet:** Romeo, Romeo, Romeo . . . .  
**Romeo:** Hi!  
**Juliet:** Go away, I'm daydreaming. Romeo, Romeo, Romeo . . . .  
**Romeo:** I love you!  
**Juliet:** Isn't this a little sudden?  
**Romeo:** What did I tell you about that?  
**Juliet:** Oh, sorry! I mean, I love you, too!  
**Romeo:** Wanna get married?  
**Juliet:** Isn't this a little sudden?  
**Romeo:** Ah, ah, ah!  
**Juliet:** Sorry.   
  
**Romeo:** Hey, guess what?  
**Friar Laurence: **Do I want to know?  
**Romeo:** I met a girl last night and I want to marry her.  
**Friar Laurence:** Weren't you in love with someone else yesterday?  
**Romeo:** What's your point?  
**Friar Laurence:** So who is this new person?  
**Romeo:** Juliet Capulet.**  
Friar Laurence:** This could be a plot twist. Okay, then.  
  
**Mercutio:** Where is Romeo?  
**Benvolio: **If I knew, I'd tell you.  
**Romeo:** Hey, guys!  
**Mercutio:** Where were you? I thought you were going to take a bathroom break.  
**Romeo:** Oooo, um, I could really use a distraction right about now.  
**Nurse:** Hello, young men.  
**Mercutio:** Well, _you_ could stand to lose a little weight.  
**Nurse:** Arrgh! How dare you speak like that to me? Are you Romeo?  
**Romeo:** No, that's me.  
**Nurse: **Well?  
**Romeo:** Well what?  
**Nurse:** Arrgh!  
**Romeo:** Tell her to come to confession.  
**Nurse:** Ooo, whatcha gonna do?  
  
**Juliet:** Well?  
**Nurse:** Well what?  
**Juliet:** What did he say?!?!?  
**Nurse:** What did who say?  
**Juliet:** Arrgh!  
**Nurse:** You're giving me a headache.  
**Juliet:** WHAT DID ROMEO SAY?!?!?!?  
**Nurse:** Oh, him.   
**Juliet:** Well?  
**Nurse:** He said to meet him at Friar Laurence's. Hey, where are you going? Don't I get a back rub?  
  
**Friar Laurence:** I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. Hey, not that long! Break it up now! Hey, no fair frenching! I'm telling!  
  
**Benvolio:** It is WAY too hot.  
**Mercutio:** Oh, quit your whining.  
**Tybalt:** Do you freaks know where Romeo is?  
**Mercutio:** Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, you can't get me!  
**Romeo:** Hey, brothers!  
**Tybalt:** Jerk! I know it was you who crashed that party last night.  
**Romeo:** I love you.  
**Tybalt:** I dare you to fight me.  
**Romeo:** I don't want to fight you. I love you!  
**Tybalt:** If you forfeit, I win!  
**Mercutio:** I will valiantly fight in his place.  
**Tybalt:** As long as I get to fight, sall good.  
**Mercutio:** Owie, owie, owie, owie! Those shots that go through your heart really hurt!  
**Romeo:** You killed my best friend! ARRGH! I have to fight you now.  
**Tybalt:** Owie, hey, he was right! Those shots to the heart really do hurt!  
**Romeo:** What have I done? No, seriously, Ben, I was drunk, I can't remember.  
  
**Juliet:** La de da! I can't wait til Romeo comes!**  
Nurse:** Romeo just killed Tybalt.  
**Juliet:** Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
**Nurse:** Have you been watching Star Wars again?  
**Juliet: **How could he do such a thing?  
**Nurse:** Juliet, men are slugs. Get used to it.  
**Juliet:** Oh, well, that's okay. I still like him.  
  
**Romeo:** So what's the deal?  
**Friar Laurence:** You're banished from Verona.  
**Romeo:** That SO sucks!  
**Friar Laurence:** Beats dying.  
**Romeo:** Not necessarily.  
**Nurse:** Before you go be banished, Juliet wants you to stop by and say goodbye.  
**Romeo:** Yeeha!  
**Friar Laurence: **Oooo, whatcha gonna do?  
  
**Capulet:** Actually, maybe it would be better if you did marry my daughter.  
**Paris:** Sounds good to me!  
  
**Romeo:** I gotta go.  
**Juliet: ** No, don't go!  
**Romeo:** Okay, I could stay here and get caught and have them kill me . . . .**  
Juliet:** The door's that way.  
  
**Lady Capulet:** How are you?  
**Juliet:** I, umm, miss Tybalt. Yes, that will do.  
**Lady Capulet:** Getting married to Paris will ease the pain.  
**Juliet:** Um, er, um, no, I don't really think that's a good idea . . .   
**Capulet:** You don't like my idea? You can just deal with it, or I'll disown you!  
  
**Friar Laurence:** Isn't it a little soon to get married?  
**Paris:** What's your point?  
**Friar Laurence: **Um, look, here comes Juliet!  
**Paris:** Bye, people!  
**Juliet:** Romeo's banished! And mom wants me to marry Paris! And Romeo's banished! And Tybalt's dead! And Romeo's banished! And my father wants to disown me! And Romeo's banished! And . . . .  
**Friar Laurence:** I get the picture.  
**Juliet:** Okay, good. What should I do?  
**Friar Laurence:** Take this potion to make you look dead.  
**Juliet:** Okay.  
  
**Capulet:** Hmm, yes, twenty cooks, twenty five maids, and a big white poofy dress . . . .  
**Juliet:** Hi, Daddy.  
**Capulet:** You, young lady, are grounded.  
**Juliet:** Okay. La de da, I can't wait to get married to Paris . . . .   
**Capulet:** Ooo, good, let's change the date to tomorrow.  
  
**Juliet:** It bites having to drink this and not know what's gonna happen. Oh, well, bottom's up.  
  
**Nurse:** O my gosh, she's dead!  
**Capulet:** This sucks.  
**Lady Capulet:** This bites.  
**All of them:** Wah!!!!!!!  
  
**Romeo:** I miss Juliet.  
**Servant:** Juliet's dead.  
**Romeo:** Crap!  
  
**Apothecary:** You know, strictly speaking, I'm not supposed to give you this.  
**Romeo:** Here's some money.  
**Apothecary:** Here you go, sir.  
  
**Friar John:** Yo yo yo.  
**Friar Laurence:** What did Romeo say?  
**Friar John:** Umm, well, I kinda didn't give him the letter.  
**Friar Laurence:** This could be a problem.  
  
**Paris:** Man, this bites.  
**Romeo: **Man, this bites.  
**Paris:** Grrrrrr, I'm mad at you! You killed her cousin!  
**Romeo:** Who, me? Fine, you wanna fight? I'm in a bad mood here!  
**Paris:** Argh, you just keep killing people don't you?  
**Romeo:** I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not, so why bother?  
**  
Romeo:** Man, this bites, having her dead. Goodbye, my love! I'm going to die now.  
**  
Friar Laurence:** Juliet? Juliet, are you awake? Oh, sh-  
**Juliet:** What? Omigosh, he's DEAD!! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**Friar Laurence:** Now, just calm down . . .   
**Juliet:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**Friar Laurence:** You've been watching Star Wars again, haven't you?  
  
**Juliet:** Hey, it's a knife. Goodbye, cruel world.  
  
**Prince:** WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS HAPPENED HERE?  
**Friar Laurence:** They fell in love and they died.  
**Montague:** I'm sorry, man.  
**Capulet:** Me too. Let's live happily ever after, now that we've gotten rid of those annoying kids.  
  
I love feedback!  



	3. Julius Caesar

The Condensed Version of _Julius Caesar_  
by Sicily  
  
Thank you: Rug, Megan, Tobin Mitchell, Blue Lightnin', susie, Adia SB, Capt. Janeway, and Spastic HSJ.   
  
Oh, and I honestly think I made Brutus so stupid in this retelling is because my tenth grade English teacher seemed so enamoured of his philosophies when we studied it in class.  
  
  
**Marullus:** Grr, I'm so mad at Caesar . . . Bad Caesar! Caesar killed Pompey!  
**Flavius:** C'mon, let's go do some Ancient Roman graffiti.  
  
  
**Soothsayer:** Beware the ides of March!  
**Cæsar:** No.  
  
**Cassius:** Brutus, what's wrong?  
**Brutus:** Grr.  
**Cassius:** Brutus, you're so wonderful! Don't be mad!   
[**People:** YAY! YAY #2! YAY #3!]  
**Brutus:** Grr, I bet they're making Cæsar king.  
**Cassius: **So, um, you _don't_ want Cæsar to be king, hm?  
**Brutus: **Me no like kings.  
**Cassius: **Right, gotcha, bye now. MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
**Casca:** It's raining! Wah, I wanna go home! This is scary!  
**Cicero:** Wimp.   
**Casca:** Maybe so, but I know something you don't know!  
**Cassius:** What?  
**Casca:** They're gonna make Cæsar king!  
**Cassius: **Not if I get there first . . .  
**Casca: **Ooo, whatcha gonna do?  
**Cinna: **Y'know, if we could get Brutus tohelp, we could kill --   
**Cassius: **YES, exactly. Give him these letters.  
  
**Brutus:** Hm. Me like Cæsar. Me no like kings. Should me kill King Cæsar? Hmmmm . . .  
**Lucius: **You've Got Mail!  
**Brutus:** Hmm, it says Brutus should kill King Cæsar. Hmmm . . . .  
**Lucius:** You've Got Visitors!   
**Brutus: **Hmm . . . people come who want Brutus to kill King Cæsar . . . hmmm . . .  
  
**Cassius:** Are you going to help us kill Cæsar? If you don't, he'll be the star of the play and not you.  
**Brutus: **Hmm, yes. Me kill King Cæsar.  
**Cassius:** Good. Y'know, after we kill him, I think we should cut him up, and mangle him, and eat his entrails, and then maybe we should kill Anthony, and --  
**Brutus:** No, that's too disgusting. Then it would be too much like an X-Files episode.  
  
**Portia:** Why are you acting so weird?  
**Brutus:** Ha! Me know something you don't know!  
**Portia:** I'll poke my eyes out if you don't tell me! I'm very smart, you know.  
**Brutus:** Me tell you tomorrow.  
  
  
**Calpurnia:** I don't think you should go to the Senate today. I had a bad dream.  
**Cæsar:** No, I better go. Your bad dream probably meant I'm stronger and braver then you and I should go to the Senate today.  
  
**Artemidorus:** I'll give this letter to Cæsar . . . it says not to go near the bad guys.  
  
**Portia:** Go!  
**Lucius:** Go where, ma'am?  
**Portia:** I can't remember, I'm too ditzy! Um, go see how Brutus is, yes, that sounds good.  
  
**Artemidorus:** Read my letter, Cæsar, read my letter!  
**Cæsar:** If I do that, I won't die heroically, and we won't have a plot.  
  
**Brutus:** You should be nice to Cimber.  
**Cæsar:** Why?  
[Everyone stabs Cæsar; Brutus last, mostly because he's so slow he couldn't figure out what they were doing till they were all done]  
**Cæsar:** umm, um, shoot, I always have trouble with this line, umm, script, script, umm, ah, yes, Et tu Brute? dang, I hate Latin . . . .[dies]  
**Conspirators:** Ha ha, we did it, we did it, we did it!!  
  
  
**Servant:** Can Anthony come in or will you kill him, too?  
**Brutus:** Me already say, me no want this to be the X-Files! Us only kill King Cæsar!  
  
**Anthony:** Omigods, they killed Cæsar!! WAH!!!  
**Cassius:** Anthony, will you be my friend?  
**Anthony:** Oh, um, sure! Me wuv you, Cassius, even though you killed my best friend!  
**Brutus:** You can make a speech at the funeral if you say we're nice.  
  
**Anthony:** I swear I didn't mean it, Cæsar! They're not my friends, you are, forever and ever!  
  
  
**Brutus: **Me kill King Cæsar because me think kings bad. But you should vote for me in next election!  
**Anthony:** Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! No, not that many! Ow! That hurt! STOP THROWING YOUR EARS AT ME!!! Oh, and by the way, Brutus sucks, vote for me. OW!  
  
**Cinna:** Hi, my name is Cinna, I'm an alcoholic.  
**Citizens:** Kill him! He murdered Cæsar!  
**Cinna:** No! That wasn't me! THAT WAS A DIFFERENT CINNA! AAAAH!  
  
**Anthony:** We have to kill him, and him, and him, and him . . .   
  
**Brutus:** Me wonder if Cassius still likes me . . .  
**Cassius:** Let's talk without all the soldiers listening.  
  
**Cassius:** You don't like me anymore!  
**Brutus:** No, you no like me! You didn't give me any money from the bribes you took.  
**Cassius:** Ummmm . . . If you keep talking like that I'll kill myself!  
**Brutus:** Nooooooooooooo! Don't do that! Me sorry, Cassius!  
  
**Cassius:** So how's your wife doing?  
**Brutus:** She's dead.  
**Cassius:** Bummer, dude.  
  
**Brutus:** Me think us should attack.  
**Cassius:** No! We shouldn't! I didn't think of it first, so we shouldn't!  
  
**Ghost of Cæsar:** You're gonna die! You're gonna die!  
**Brutus:** Aw, crap.  
  
  
**Brutus: **Get ready to go to battle.   
**Anthony: **Ready to go kill people?  
  
  
**Brutus' Army: **Fight fight fight, kill kill kill, la la la . . .   
**Anthony's Army: **Fight fight fight, kill kill kill, la la la . . .   
  
**Messala:** I think you should know, they're winning. And Cassius is dead.  
**Brutus:** Dangit.  
  
**Brutus:** Crap, we lost. Goodbye, cruel world! Hello, cruel Cæsar!  
**Antony:** He was nice, even if he did kill Cæsar.  



	4. Cymbeline

The Condensed Version of   
by Sicily  
  
Dedication: This one is dedicated to my Playreaders group, who are doing a totally wonderful job performing Midsummer and R&J . . . I love you guys! Thank you for all your friendliness & support, and for humoring me on my strange director-notions.  
  
  
**1st Gentleman:** The king's daughter Imogen was supposed to marry her stepbrother, but she went and married Posthumus (who is a cooler guy anyway) instead.  
**2nd Gentleman:** That's great and all, but why are you telling me?  
**1st Gentleman:** Are you kidding? That's crucial plot information. You should feel extremely special.  
  
**Imogen:** Goodbye my love! Time for you to go be banished.  
**Posthumus: **I promise to e-mail you every day.  
**Imogen: **Have a ring.  
**Posthumus: **Have a, um, token. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I got it at the flea market for a bargain price.  
  
**Cymbeline:** You stink, Imogen. Go away.  
**Queen:** What he said.  
  
**Cloten:** So did I beat the guy up? Did I? Did I? Did I?  
**1st Lord:** You did magnificently, sir.  
**2nd Lord: **Actually, since he's unscathed and you're nursing a black eye, a bloody lip, a scraped forearm, a broken ankle, and apparent brain damage, I don't think that's quite accurate. But what do I know?  
  
**Imogen:** Now tell me every last little thing Posthumus did the last time you saw him.  
**Pisanio:** Are you sure this isn't, like, an unhealthy obsession?  
**Imogen:** Of course not. Now, exactly how many times did he wiggle his toes as he walked to the ship?  
  
**Iachimo:** Nice ring.  
**Posthumus:** Thanks! I got it from my lovely, pure, loyal, faithful, no-chance-in-the-world-of-adultery wife.  
**Iachimo:** Either you're majorly overconfident or you're in denial. I bet you that ring I'll be able to sleep with her.  
**Posthumus:** Hmm, sounds like a plot device. Done!  
  
**Queen:** Do you have the poison I asked for?  
**Doctor:** Right here, m'lady. Um, why exactly did you want me to give you arsenic?  
**Queen:** Trust me. It's for my Evil Scheme. Pisanio! Here's some, um, Alka Seltzer. Don't worry, it's not arsenic or anything.  
**Pisanio:** Wow, for me? Thanks!  
**Doctor: **Actually, I'm smarter than both of them, and it's neither arsenic nor Alka Seltzer. It's actually that stuff that Friar Laurence gave Juliet to make her look dead in Romeo and Juliet. No kidding.  
  
**Imogen:** My life sucks.  
**Iachimo: **Here's a letter from Posthumus.  
**Imogen: **Scratch that previous comment.  
**Iachimo: **Wow, she's gorgeous. If she's smart, too, this could be bad. I might, y'know, lose.  
  
**Iachimo:** You know, Posthumus is being really unfaithful to you in Rome.  
**Imogen: **I don't believe you.  
**Iachimo:** Okay, you're right, I lied. Will you sleep with me anyway?  
**Imogen: **Forget it.  
**Iachimo:** Dang. Okay then, will you allow me to keep a large chest in your room that I might crawl out of so I can get a look at your bedroom and _pretend_ I slept with you so I can make your husband think you're unfaithful?  
**Imogen:** I see no problem with that.  
  
**Iachimo: **So her walls are blue, she's got a Dark Angel poster above her bed, she's reading How to Goodbye Depression, and she's got a pimple on her shoulder. I think I'll take her token while I'm here . . . it's purty.  
  
**Cloten: **Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. . .  
[Window slams shut]  
**Cymbeline: **Give her time to forget about Posthumus. Then I'm sure she'll like your singing.  
  
**Cloten: **Marry me.  
**Imogen:** Forget it.  
  
**Lord:** We're expecting an ambassador from the Romans.  
**Cymbeline: **Oh, is _that_ the time period of this play? I was wondering. It gets confusing with all the anachronisms.  
  
**Imogen:** Oh no! My token! It's gone! Look for it, Pisanio!  
  
**Iachimo: **I so slept with your wife.  
**Posthumus:** Did not.  
**Iachimo: **Did too.  
**Posthumus:** Prove it.  
**Iachimo: **She's reading How to Goodbye Depression. And I got her token.  
**Posthumus: **Oh my God! You did!  
**Iachimo:** That was like, totally too easy.  
  
**Posthumus:** Every single woman in the world is a scum-eating slimeball!  
**Spaniard:** Isn't that a gross generalization based on a single unconfirmed incident?  
**Posthumus:** Your point being?  
  
**Lucius:** I think you should pay tribute to Rome.  
**Cymbeline:** I think not.  
  
**Pisanio:** This letter from Posthumus says to kill Imogen.   
**Imogen:** Suddenly I feel like Snow White.  
  
**Belarius:** Time to hunt.  
**Polydore and Cadwal:** Yay!  
  
**Belarius:** They're really the princes, who I kidnapped when they were babies cause I was mad at Cymbeline. Oh, and their real names are Guiderius and Averigus, but I call them Polydore and Cadwal because those are easier to pronounce.  
  
**Imogen: **So you gonna kill me, or what?  
**Pisanio:** Didn't we establish that this _isn't_ a tragedy? Anyway, it would complicate the plot more if you dressed up as a boy. Never mind that it's a rip off of numerous other Shakespeare plays. Oh, and here's some AlkaSeltzer that I got from the queen.  
**Imogen:** I think I'll call myself Fidele. Not to be confused with the dictator of Cuba.  
  
**Cymbeline:** Bye-bye, Lucius! See you again when we fight each other!  
**Messenger:** Imogen's gone.  
**Cymbeline:** This is definitely not my day.  
  
**Cloten:** Hey, you! Bring me some of Posthumus' clothes so I can rape Imogen.  
**Pisanio:** Right away, m'lord.  
  
**Fidele/Imogen: **I've decided I don't like backpacking at all. I like my featherbed.  
  
**Polydore/Guiderius:** I don't know who you are, but you look pretty cool.  
**Cadwal/Averigus:** Yeah! I don't know you at all, but I like you anyway. Come live with us.  
**Fidele/Imogen: **I should be disturbed, because that sounds really nasty, in more ways than one. Only I'm not. So, sure! I'd love to live with you.  
  
**Roman Dude:** We're going to war with Britain.  
**Other Roman Dude:** Cool.  
  
**Cloten:** Here I am in Posthumus' clothes, waiting for Imogen so I can rape her. I didn't know if you might've figured this out from the last time I was on stage; so I thought I'd tell you again.  
  
**Fidele/Imogen:** I feel icky.  
**Cadwal/Averigus:** Poor you. Bye now.  
  
**Fidele/Imogen: **I think I'll take this AlkaSeltzer stuff Pisanio gave me. Seeing as how it's , this will probably result in a plot twist.  
  
**Cloten:** Hah! I am so cool! I am a prince! Bow and worship me.  
**Polydore/Guiderius:** No, sorry, I'd rather kill you.  
  
**Polydore/Guilderius:** Hah! I won. I will now throw his head in the river.  
**Belarius:** Okay, but we have to give the rest of his body a proper burial.  
**Cadwal/Averigus:** Aw, you're no fun at all.  
  
**Polydore/Guilderius:** Dangit, Fidele's dead too.  
**Cadwal/Averigus:** Darn. Let's put the two bodies next to each other.  
**Polydore/Guilderius:** Why?  
**Cadwal/Averigus:** Why not?  
  
**Imogen/Fidele:** Oh! It's a guy wearing Posthumus' clothes! My love is dead! Wahhhhh!   
**Cloten's Body:** Doesn't this sound rather a lot like Romeo and Juliet?  
**Imogen/Fidele:** Quiet, you.  
  
**Roman Guy:** Hey, I'm going to fight Cymbeline. Want to be my squire?  
**Imogen/Fidele:** You meet me in the woods next to a dead body and you ask me to be your squire?  
**Roman Guy:** Sure, what's wrong with that?  
  
**Cymbeline:** The queen's upset that her son's not here.  
**Pisanio:** Like we care.  
  
**Pisanio:** Y'know, I've completely lost track of the plot. I have no idea what's going on with Imogen, Posthumus, or Cloten. Oh well. It was confusing anyway.  
  
**Polydore/Guiderius: **Hey, cool, fighting.  
**Cadwal/Averigus:** Fun! Let's join them and fight too.  
  
**Posthumus:** Maybe it was a yucky generalization to say all women are scum-sucking slimeballs. I feel bad now.  
  
**Iachimo:** Maybe it was mean to take their rings and tokens and make them mad at each other. I feel bad now.  
  
[Big fight between Cymbeline's guys -- the Britons -- and the Romans. Imogen is on the Roman side, but all the other major characters are on Cymbeline's side.]  
**Roman Guy:** Okay, time to retreat.  
**Other Roman Guy:** We haven't actually lost, you know.  
**Roman Guy:** Are you kidding? The play's named after the other guy, and our characters aren't even given names at all. Gee, who do you think's gonna win?  
  
**Roman Lord:** You know, you made the Britons win. Therefore we don't like you, so we're gonna put you in prison.  
**Posthumus:** Am I supposed to care or something?  
  
**Jupiter:** I like you, Posthumus. I just thought I'd mention that.  
**Posthumus:** (blinks) Thanks, I guess.  
  
**{Author:** You know, this last scene is really just Shakespeare telling the whole play over again so all the minor characters have all the info and everything becomes clear. If you want the full effect, go back to the top and read the play over again. But I'm not going to spell it all out again here. Suffice to say, everything works out and is happy and sweet. Kay?**}  
  
Everybody:** Yay us.  



	5. The Tempest

The Condensed Version of The Tempest  
by Sicily  
  
Borders on PG-13 for references to alcohol, sex, and some occasional bad language.  
  
**Sailor #1: **Augh! A storm!  
**Sailor #2:** What? Where?  
**Sailor #1: **What do you think all this rain is, dummy?  
**Sailor #2:** I thought it was a My bad.   
  
**Prospero:** I was a duke once, you know.  
**Miranda:** Point being?  
**Prospero:** Just FYI. And this being stuck on an island thing? Not my fault. All my brother. He just _had_ to have a family member on . . . .  
  
**Ariel:** Can I get off being grounded yet?  
**Prospero:** You're not grounded, you're enslaved. Muahahahah! Bring me Ferdinand. Now, you minion!  
  
**Prospero:** Heh. You're even more of a dumb slave than _he _is.  
**Caliban:** Hey, do I have, like, a purpose in this scene? Or were you just going to make fun of me and insult me?  
**Prospero:** The second one. HA! You suck, I rock, you suck, I rock . . .   
  
**Ferdinand:** Though I'm completely lacking any evidence whatsoever, I will choose to believe that everyone else from my ship is dead and I'm all alone on a warm, beautiful, tropical paradise. My life sucks!  
**Ariel:** Oh, don't go getting a Tom Hanks complex . . . Just to cheer you up, let's play Follow the Leader.  
  
**Miranda:** Damn, he is _fine_! There's no comparison. There are also no other guys on the island, aside from my father, an airy sprite, and a deformed monster. But I consider that beside the point.  
**Ferdinand:** You're pretty too. It must be True Love.  
  
**Prospero:** HA! Another slave! Work for me! Carry my logs! Now, you fool!  
**Miranda:** Are you having, like, authority issues or something?  
**Prospero: **I have a teenage daughter. What do you expect?  
  
**Gonzalo: **Cheer up.  
**Alonso:** But my son is dead!  
**Gonzalo:** No reason to be depressed about it, though.  
**Ariel:** Time for good little boys to take a nap!  
[Alonso, Adrian, Gonzalo, and Francisco go to sleep.]  
**Antonio: **You know, your brother's asleep.  
**Sebastian:** So?  
**Antonio:** You know, if your brother's not around, you're king.  
**Sebastian: **So?  
**Antonio:** You know, it would be really easy to kill your brother while he's sleeping.  
**Sebastian: **So?  
**Antonio:** Just how dumb are you, exactly?  
  
**Ariel:** Okay, naptime's over!  
**Alonso:** What? Why are your swords out?  
**Antonio and Sebastian:** We were, um, chasing off wild beasts! Yes, that sounds good. If you were wondering, we were most certainly NOT going to kill you to gain power. Nope, not us!  
  
**Caliban:** You know that last scene where they took a nap? That looked really nice. I think I'll take a nap, too.  
**Trinculo:** I don't know how either of us _saw_ the last scene, since we weren't on stage, but I agree. A nap does sound good. You don't mind if I use you for a bed, do you? Thought not.  
**Stephano:** *Hic* Hey, a four legged *hic* beast!   
**Trinculo:** No, it's me. The guy I'm on top of is a beast, though.   
**Caliban:** I heard that.  
**Stephano:** The guy you're *hic* on top of is a *hic* beast?  
**Trinculo:** Get your mind out of the gutter!  
**Stephano:** Here, *hic* have a *hic* drink.  
**Caliban:** You gave me liquor. I now worship you as a god.  
**Stephano:** Sounds *hic* good to me *hic*.  
  
**Ferdinand:** It bites, having to carry logs and all. Oh, well, I get to look at Miranda while I do it.  
**Miranda:** Here, let me help!  
**Ferdinand:** I love you. Marry me.  
**Miranda:** Isn't this a little sudden?  
**Ferdinand: **Wrong Condensed Version.   
**Miranda:** Ooops, sorry. I meant I love you, too.  
  
**Prospero:** Miranda an' Ferdinand, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G . . .  
  
**Caliban:** I can *hic* help you take over the *hic* island.  
**Stephano:** Sounds *hic* good to me *hic*.  
**Ariel:** Hehe, you're funny. But I consider you to be a minor threat, so I'm going to tell Prospero on you.  
  
**Ariel:** YOU ALL TOTALLY SUCK! YOU WERE MEAN TO PROSPERO! EVIL MORONS!  
**Antonio and Alonso:** Wahhh, we feel bad now.  
  
**Prospero:** Hehehe, April Fools! I was joking the whole time, Ferdinand. Go ahead and marry my daughter.  
**Ferdinand:** This is very, very strange. But it works in my favor, so I won't complain. Hey, Love Turkey! We can get married!  
**Miranda:** Idiot! Don't call me Love Turkey in front of my father!  
**Prospero:** Did I mention I don't want this relationship consumated until you're actually married?  
  
**Prospero:** Hey, you're pretty good at being evil.  
**Ariel:** Actually, that was my stunt double. He wants to play evil villains in the movies, so I let him practice.  
  
**Prospero:** To prove my goodwill, come here and let's spend some quality family time together. We could watch a movie or something.  
**Ferdinand:** Or Miranda and I could go off alone together . . .  
**Prospero:** Did I mention I don't want this relationship consumated until you're actually married?  
  
**Prospero:** Let's tempt Caliban, Stephano, and Trinculo with lots of gold jewelery.  
**Ariel:** What good will that do?  
**Prospero:** None whatsoever, but it'll entertain me.  
  
**Stephano:** Hey, *hic* cool! Gold *hic* crowns!  
**Caliban:** It's *hic* a *hic* trap *hic*!  
**Trinculo:** So? It's awful pretty.  
  
**Ariel:** Are we done with this play yet?  
**Prospero:** Are you getting impatient already? For heaven's sake, it's a Condensed Version! It's SHORT!  
**Ariel:** Yes, but I have a date as soon as this is over.  
**Prospero:** Fine. Bring me my brother and the king and all the people in that plot thread.  
  
**Alonso:** We will fight you!  
**Prospero:** Like hell. I'm a sorcerer.  
**Antonio:** Fine then, we choose to surrender to you of our own free will, and _not _because we were about to get our asses kicked.  
**Prospero:** You just keep telling yourself that.  
  
**Prospero:** Your son's in love with my daughter. That cool with you?  
**Alonso:** Hey, pal, I'm just happy he's alive.  
  
**Ferdinand:** Daddy!  
**Alonso:** Son!  
**Prospero: **Daughter!  
**Miranda:** Nice try.  
  
**Alonso:** Hey, it's my butler, Stephano, and Trinculo! And they're both dead drunk! Where did you find a pub on the island, and why didn't you tell me about it sooner?  
  
**Prospero:** I gave up all my magic and my slaves. I have to live like a regular old Duke again. Poor me.  



	6. Troilus and Cressida

The Condensed Version of Troilus and Cressida  
by Sicily  
  
This play is _definitely_ PG-13 material. There are sexual references, including slash, and violence, along with some bad language. If any of that bugs you, skip this one..  
  
**Prologue:** Dudes, it's the Trojan War, okay? This story takes place _before_ the Trojan horse, just to give you a reference.  
  
**Pandarus:** Is the war over yet?  
**Troilus:** It might go faster if we weren't such wusses compared to the Greeks.  
**Pandarus:** You're just a wuss because you're in love with Cressida.  
**Troilus:** True, that.  
  
**Troilus:** He's right, you know. I've got a major crush on Cressida. I bet you couldn't figure _that_ one out from the title, so I told you. I'm helpful like that.  
  
**Aeneas:** Dude! You're supposed to be fighting! Paris is hurt!  
**Troilus:** Paris? Like on Star Trek?  
**Aeneas:** Paris like your brother, dumbass.  
  
**Cressida:** Why is Hector mad at that one Greek guy again?  
**Alexander:** Ajax hit him.  
**Cressida:** Must be a guy thing.  
  
**Cressida:** He's pretty cute.  
**Pandarus:** Troilus is cuter.   
**Cressida:** I can't believe I'm talking about guys with my _uncle_!  
**Pandarus:** I mean, I can, like, so see you, with, like, Troilus. I mean, you guys would be like, so perfect together.  
**Cressida: **You're starting to scare me.  
  
**Cressida:** If you couldn't figure it out from the title, I've got it bad for Troilus. I'm just playing hard to get; there'll be more scenes that way.  
  
**Agamemnon:** It sucks; Achilles won't fight anymore. All he'll do is sit in his tent and pout.  
**Ulysses:** I have a plan.  
**Agamemnon:** Don't you always?  
**Ulysses:** We should make Ajax fight Hector.  
**Agamemnon:** I really don't see how that will help, but you're smart so let's try it.  
  
**Thersites:** Moron!  
**Ajax:** Duh, me no know what that means. But it sound bad, so me beat you up.  
**Thersites:** Do you even have the mental capacity of a rock?  
**Achilles:** Ajax, stop beating up Thersites.  
**Ajax:** Why?  
**Achilles:** Oh, you don't have to. I just needed a line in this scene.  
  
**Priam:** Okay, y'all, should we give Helen back or keep fighting?  
**Hector:** I think the whole reason we're fighting is dumb, and Helen was Menelaus' in the first place, and even if she weren't no matter how beautiful she is she's not worth a nine-year war . . .  
**Troilus:** Wimp.  
**Hector:** You didn't let me finish. I think we should keep fighting anyway.  
  
**Thersites:** This war bites. And everyone here is an idiot.  
**Patroclus:** Why am I an idiot?  
**Thersites:** Do we really need to go there now? Trust me, you are.  
  
**Agamemnon:** Where's Achilles?  
**Patroclus:** I'm sorry, Achilles cannot come to the door now. May I take a message?   
**Agamemnon:** Well, sorry to have missed him. Tell him hi for me, and that we really must get together for tea soon.  
  
**Ulysses:** Ajax is so cool!  
**Agamemnon:** Yeah. Wow. Go Ajax.  
**Nestor:** Yeah. Ajax, you totally rock.  
**Ajax:** Duh, cool.  
  
**Pandarus:** Hi, Paris. Hi, Helen.  
**Paris and Helen:** [making out] mgquhrchrp  
**Pandarus:** Um, Paris? Troilus wants you to cover for him if he's not there at dinner.  
**Paris and Helen:** [making out] mgquhrchrp  
  
**Pandarus:** Kiss already.  
**Troilus and Cressida: **[making out] mgquhrchrp  
**Pandarus:** Ah, young love!  
**Troilus and Cressida:** Go away.   
**Pandarus:** What, I don't get to see you break the PG-13 rating?  
**Troilus:** What kind of a sick pervert are you? Go away!  
[Door slams shut, Pandarus on the outside]  
  
**Calchas: **I defected from Troy. Will you do me a favor?  
**Agamemnon:** Maybe.  
**Calchas:** Bring my daughter Cressida here.  
**Agamemnon:** The Cressida from the title?  
**Calchas:** Yeah, her.  
**Agamemnon:** This sounds like a plot twist. Okay! We'll exchange a valuable war prisoner to get your militarily useless daughter. No problem.  
  
**Ulysses:** Let's walk past Achilles' tent and ignore him.   
**Greeks:** Why?  
**Ulysses:** Shut up and obey me! I'm helping the plot along.  
**  
Achilles:** Why isn't anyone speaking to me?  
**Ulysses:** Um, we all know you're not fighting because you want to get it on with one of Priam's daughters.  
**Patroclus:** Achilles! Are you cheating on me? You wouldn't cheat on your boy-toy, would you?  
**Achilles:** Maybe.  
  
**Thersites: **Ajax is really not too bright; did you know that?  
**Patroclus:** Achilles wants you to go to Agamemnon and ask if Hector can come over.  
**Thersites:** Um, I don't know if you were aware of this, but Hector is our sworn enemy and a dangerous warrior.  
**Patroclus:** Point being?  
  
**Aeneas:** The Greeks are going to give us a mighty warrior they've captured in exchange for Cressida, a ditz who hangs out with Troilus.  
**Paris:** Exactly how stupid are these people? I'm just curious.  
  
**Troilus:** Wow, that was amazing.  
**Cressida: ** Why'd you get out of bed so soon?  
**Pandarus:** Did you have a good night, nudge-nudge, wink-wink?  
**Cressida:** Did we not make it clear that we don't want you around?  
  
**Aeneas:** We're exchanging you, Cressida. You're going to the Greeks.  
**Cressida:** Crap.  
  
**Troilus:** I love you forever!  
**Cressida:** I love you forever, too!**  
Troilus:** Don't cheat on me!  
**Cressida:** Don't cheat on me, either!  
**Troilus:** It's amazing, the amount of trust we have in this relationship.  
**Cressida:** Have a token.  
**Troilus:** Have a token yourself.  
  
**Diomedes:** Hey, you're cute.  
**Cressida:** Thanks.  
**Troilus:** Don't even make the moves on my girl, you Greek scum.  
**Diomedes:** Touchy touchy.  
  
**Ajax:** I'm going to kick Hector's ass!  
**Ulysses:** You just keep telling yourself that.  
  
**Agamemnon:** Let's all kiss Cressida.  
**Ajax:** Why?  
**Agamemnon: **I dunno, she's pretty. And I'm sure our wives wouldn't mind if they knew.  
  
[Hector and Ajax beat at each other, then stop for no apparent reason; neither one wins]  
**Ajax:** Nice fighting with you, Hector.  
**Hector:** Yeah, I had fun. We really must do that again sometime.  
  
**Agamemnon:** Hello there, Hector, how _are _you doing?  
**Hector: **Oh, fine, fine, can't complain. Yourself?  
**Agamemnon:** Not bad, not bad. Care for some tea?  
**Hector:** If it isn't too much trouble . . .  
**Agamemnon: **Not at all, not at all.   
**Thersites:** Er, just for the record, aren't you two the leaders of a bloody nine year war in which you've done your utmost to roast each other to smithereens?  
**Agamemnon:** Yes, but that's no reason to be barbaric at our tea party.  
  
**Achilles:** Hey, moron, what's up?  
**Thersites:** Yo, idiot-man. You've got a letter.  
**Achilles:** From where, dummy?  
**Thersites:** Troy, intelligence-challenged.  
**Patroclus:** That was a silly conversation.  
**Thersites:** I don't want your opinion, slash-boy. Do you think the rest of us don't know why you're living in Achilles' tent?  
**Patroclus:** Dimwit.  
**Thersites:** Dunce.  
**Patroclus:** Fool.  
**Patroclus: **Imbecile.  
**Achilles:** Shut up, both of you. I got a letter from the Trojan girl I'm in love with! As long as I don't fight tomorrow, I'm so gonna get laid!  
  
**Agamemnon:** Night, everybody!  
**Hector:** Thank you so much for having me!  
**Nestor:** Not at all! Thanks for coming!  
**Troilus:** Next mah-jong club meets at our house.  
  
**Diomedes:** Hey Cressida!   
**Cressida:** Hi! It's so nice to see you!  
**Diomedes:** Pssst. [whispers in her ear]  
**Cressida:** Oooo, yeah, I'll remember.  
**Troilus: **I bet they're sleeping together!  
**Ulysses:** Boy, you just jump to conclusions constantly, don't you?  
[Diomedes and Cressida make kissing noises at each other]  
**Troilus:** SEE?!?!  
**Ulysses:** Let's get out of here before you hurt someone.  
  
**Cressida:** It's too bad I'm being unfaithful to Troilus. Oh, well, I'm a girl, and Shakespeare never had much respect for girls anyway.   
**Troilus:** Damn.  
  
**Andromanche:** You shouldn't fight today.  
**Cassandra:** You _definitely _shouldn't fight today. I mean it.  
**Hector:** Okay, maybe I won't.  
**Troilus:** Let's rumble!  
**Hector:** Oop, changed my mind. Ready to kick Greek ass.  
  
**Thersites:** Oooo, there's a battle! I'm going to go watch everyone get all cut up! Wooohoo, this is entertainment!  
  
[Everyone fights.]  
  
**Hector:** Are you worthy to fight me?  
**Thersites:** Who me? Nope, no, not me. I'm just a regular guy.  
**Hector:** Yeah, I thought so. I won't kill you, then.  
  
**Diomedes:** Give Troilus' horse to Cressida. Say it's from me.  
**Servant:** So she can escape?  
**Diomedes:** No, so she'll like me better.   
  
**Agamemnon:** We're losing! We need Achilles!  
**Nestor:** Patroclus is dead. Bring Achilles his body.  
**Agamemnon:** Brilliant!  
  
[Everyone is still fighting, in case you were curious]  
  
**Achilles:** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU KILLED PATROCLUS! HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT MY BOY-TOY? I MUST KILL YOU ALL NOW!  
**Agamemnon:** Phew, close one.  
  
**Margarelon: **Fight me!  
**Thersites:** Who are you?  
**Margarelon:** A bastard.  
**Thersites:** Wow, me too! I prefer the term natural child, though, what about you?  
**Margarelon:** Eh, go away.  
  
**Troilus:** I HATE YOU!  
**Diomedes:** Why? Just cause I'm Greek?  
**Troilus:** No, actually I had another reason. It was a good one too... dangit, I've forgotten. Oh, yeah, I remember now. My horse! You so stole my horse! I have to kill you now!  
**Diomedes:** So this has nothing to do with, oh, Cressida, perchance?  
**Troilus:** Who's that? Do I know her?  
  
[Everyone fights more. Achilles kills Hector.]  
**Achilles:** HA! I have won!   
**Hector's body:** Dangit, should've listened to Cassandra.  
**Achilles:** Shut up, you're spoiling my victory yell.  
  
**Pandarus:** So ends the tale of young love. Or young lust, rather. Whatever.


	7. The Merchant of Venice

The Condensed Version of The Merchant of Venice  
by Sicily  
  
  
**Antonio:** Poor me.  
**Salerio:** Why so sad?  
**Antonio:** No idea. Literary critics are currently debating the reason for my mood in this scene as if it were of life or death importance.   
  
**Antonio: **I suddenly feel as if I'm in a play...  
**Graziano: **Stop breaking the fourth wall!  
  
**Bassiano:** Can I borrow some money? And did I mention you're my best friend in the whole wide world?  
**Antonio:** Aw, shucks. When you put it like that...I'll have to borrow some myself to give it to you, though.  
**Bassanio:** In that case, I could probably just go to someone else and save you the trouble...  
**Antonio:** Shut up! This is the plot!  
  
**Portia:** All the guys coming to court me are idiots. Fortunately, I have an airtight excuse to refuse all of them.  
**Nerissa:** You mean your father's casket-choosing idea?  
**Portia:** Actually, I was going to tell them that I'm a sociopathic killer ... Your idea is much better though, I think I'll use that. It'll allow for more scenes and less rip-offs.  
  
**Shylock:** So, you want to borrow $3,000 for three months.  
**Bassanio:** Actually, we wanted to borrow the Venitian equivalent of dollars, since this is the Merchant of Venice. . .   
**Shylock:** Don't get smart with me. I'm the Evil Villain.  
**Bassanio:** Prove it.  
**Shylock: **If Antonio doesn't pay me on time, I get to take an ounce of his flesh.  
**Bassanio:** Wasn't that a pound' in the original?  
**Shylock:** You condense things, stuff gets lost. Live with it.  
**  
Prince of Morocco:** Will you marry me?  
**Portia:** Gold, silver or lead?  
**Prince of Morocco:** Can I use a lifeline?  
**  
Lancelot:** Okay, heads, I quit working for Shylock; tails, I don't.  
**Gobbo:** Ello. I have no purpose in this scene at all, but I thought I'd stop in for slapstick possibilities. By the way [labored breathing] . . . _I am your father!_  
**Lancelot: **Um, Dad? I know. And you got in the way of my coin-flipping.  
  
**Graziano:** Let me come with you to Belmont! Please let me, please, please please puh-leeeeeze? I'm so totally completely 100% madly in love with Portia's maid.  
**Bassanio:** Only if you promise to behave more maturely than you are now.  
  
**Jessica:** So you're leaving?  
**Lancelot:** Can you blame me?  
**Jessica: **Well, I should, since this is my father we're talking about. But then again, I'm planning to run away, too. So no. I can't really.  
  
**Lorenzo:** Tell Jessica I'll be there at ten o'clock.  
**Lancelot:** Sir, yes, sir!  
  
**Shylock:** You're going to regret leaving me, you scum-sucking excuse for a moron.  
**Lancelot:** Okay, yeah, now I'm confused. Why would I regret leaving you? You're insulting and the Evil Villain.  
**Shylock:** Jessica!**  
Jessica:** You rang?  
**Shylock:** Take care of the house. And don't run away or anything.  
**Jessica:** Who me? Wouldn't, um, dream of it. I mean, it's not like it's my job to thwart you because you're the Evil Villain and everybody has to thwart the evil villain, or anything.  
  
**Salerio:** Just to clue in the really dumb people in the audience, Jessica will now procede to run away with Lorenzo.  
**Graziano:** Here they come now!  
**Lorenzo:** Psst, Jessica!  
**Jessica:** My darling!  
**Lorenzo:** My heart!  
**Jessica:** My only!  
**Graziano:** Yeah, yeah, cut the crap. Can we just get on with the daring escape already, and then worry about the sweet nothings?  
  
**Antonio:** Dude, where've you been? Come inside already, it's pouring out here!  
**Graziano:** Good plan, I think I will.  
  
**Portia:** Gold, silver, or lead?  
**Prince of Morocco:** Gold.  
**Portia:** Eeenh, thanks for playing.  
**  
Salerio:** So, didja hear how Jessica ran away with Lorenzo?  
**Solanio:** Haven't we covered this three or four times? I think everyone gets it now. Do you all get it? You all know how Lorenzo and Jessica ran away together?  
**Salerio:** Yeah, well, Shylock was really mad about it.  
**Solanio:** Gee, never would've seen _that_ one coming!  
**Salerio:** Shut up. Also, one of Antonio's ships was lost.  
  
**Portia:** Gold, silver, or lead?  
**Prince of Aragon:** Silver.  
**Portia:** Eeenh, wrong. Hey, weren't you in Lord of the Rings?  
**Prince of Aragon:** That was Ara_gorn_.  
**Portia:** My bad. You _definitely_ guessed wrong then.  
  
**Nerissa:** Bassanio's on his way here.  
**Portia:** Oh my! It's my one true love! Does my hair look all right?  
**Nerissa:** Yes, but how did you know he was your one true love?  
**Portia:** He's been in scenes where I'm not on stage, and the violins in the background just swelled.  
  
**Salerio:** Bad news, Solanio. We're playing Bearers of Exposition again.  
**Solanio:** Thrillsville. All you people out there? Antonio lost another ship. That makes two, count em, two ships that Antonio lost.   
**Salerio:** Make that three. For you slightly slower ones in the audience, the implication is that he's broke and cannot pay Shylock, meaning Shylock will take an ounce of his flesh. Also Shylock is still mad that he can't find his daughter.  
**Shylock:** Hi, I'm Shylock. I'm mad because I can't find my daughter. She ran away with --  
**Solanio:** We KNOW!  
**Shylock:** It's not nice to yell at me. I have feelings too. All you people ever do is make fun of me and insult me and I'm a person too and I don't have to stand for this kind of treatment... I'm going to my trailer now, I can't handle this constant ridicule!  
**Salerio:** Yeah, yeah sorry and all. But you're the Evil Villain, and we had been over that plot point a good three or four times already.  
  
**Tubal:** Antonio's broke and can't pay you.  
**Shylock:** That is today's sole redeeming feature.   
  
**Portia:** Gold, silver, or lead?  
**Bassanio:** Let me think for a sec.  
**Portia: **Are you sure you don't ned a break? Some water? I could give you a lifeline...  
**Bassanio:** Lead.  
**Portia:** Yippee! See, Nerissa, I told you so.  
**Graziano:** By the way, can Nerissa and I get married too?  
**Portia:** For the love of Pete, ask her, not me!  
**Nerissa:** Oh, okay, your bungled proposal notwithstanding.  
  
**Bassanio:** I'd love to marry you right away, Portia, but frankly my friend Antonio is much more important. Shylock's going to take an ounce of his flesh, and it's all my fault.   
**Portia:** Eeeuw. Is this your usual pastime? Maybe I don't want to marry you!  
**Bassanio:** No, no, it's because he owes Shylock money.  
**Portia:** Oh, is that all? I can help. Take my money, I don't mind, even though I've never met this person in my life.  
**Bassanio:** Thanks, you're the best.  
**Portia:** Have a ring. Don't lose it or give it to anyone or anything.  
**  
Graziano:** Hey, Portia gave her husband a ri-ing.  
**Nerissa:** Okay, fine, here you go, but you're not allowed to lose it or give it away or anything.  
**Graziano:** Why would I do that?  
**Nerissa:** I've seen the lengths you'll go to get more lines.  
  
**Shylock:** Arrest him! He wouldn't pay me! _I have my bond!  
_**Salerio:** Bond? James Bond?  
**Shylock:** _Money bond,_ imbecile. Come on, that had to be one of the worst pop culture references to show up in a Condensed Version yet. And that's saying something.  
**Salerio:** Thanks, I do what I can.  
  
**Portia:** Hey guys, want another scene?  
**Lorenzo:** That depends. Is it going to center around how Jessica and I ran off together?  
**Portia:** Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to stay and take care of my house while I go advance the plot for awhile.  
**Jessica:** Oh, thank goodness. That's okay then.  
**Portia:** Rough day?  
**Jessica:** You have no idea.  
  
**Portia:** Give this letter to my cousin.  
**Balthasar:** Why?  
**Portia:** My judge's clothes and props can't come from _nowhere_, you know. People would be confused.  
**Balthasar:** Too late.  
  
**Lancelot:** Wow, are you really the daughter of the Evil Villain?  
**Jessica:** You realize that by continually referring to Shylock as the Evil Villain, we miss all the subtext of the original play, which was that Shylock is Jewish, and he's evil because Shakespeare was really anti-Semitic, and there are all kinds of interesting relations with that having to do with Shylock as the sympathetic Jew, and furthermore you're probably doing more harm than good, equating him with the Evil Villain status and therefore subtexturally linking Jewish people to Evil Villains, and....  
**Lancelot:** This is a parody, not a literary criticism, for Pete's sake! He's the bad guy in this play, religion notwithstanding. Why don't you go read Asimov's Guide or something?  
  
**Lorenzo:** I love you.  
**Jessica:** I love you back.  
**Lorenzo:** Are we going to do anything else in this scene?  
**Jessica:** Don't you wish. No, this is just to give Portia enough time to change into her judge's clothes back in her trailer.  
  
**Duke:** Shylock won't accept your money now the deadline's passed.   
**Antonio:** Drat. Oh well, I shall be stoic and manly and die nobly.  
**Duke:** You know, Shylock, I'm really disappointed that you won't take loads and loads of money and would rather have an ounce of this poor man's flesh.  
**Shylock: **Deal. I'm the Evil Villain, and _I HAVE MY BOND!!!!!_ MUAHAHAHA!  
**Judge Portia:** Are you _sure _you won't take the money?  
**Shylock:** Yes.  
**Assistant Nerissa:** Are you _positive_?  
**Shylock:** Yes.  
**Judge Portia:** No lifelines? _Is that your FINAL ANSWER?  
_**Shylock:** Yes!  
**Judge Portia:** Tough patooties. That's murder, I arrest you for it, and I say we're going to punish you by taking your house and all your stuff and everything.  
**Shylock:** Drat! Foiled again! I hate this. Constant ridicule and I don't even get the ounce of flesh! I'm getting a new agent.  
  
**Antonio:** I'm FREE! [sings] My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school...  
**Bassanio:** That wasn't school, that was court.  
**Antonio:** Picky picky.  
  
**Bassanio:** How can I ever thank you for saving my friend?  
**Judge Portia:** It was nothing.  
**Graziano:** No, really! Let us do something for you, anything.  
**Assistant Nerissa:** You could give us your rings.  
**Bassanio:** Nooooo! Not that! Anything but that!  
**Judge Portia:** I guess I shouldn't've saved Antonio then...  
**Graziano:** Oh, fine, have em.  
  
**Lorenzo:** It's another one of those scenes we're in just so Portia has time to change.  
**Jessica:** Ho hum. Hey, did you realize we ran away together?  
**Lorenzo:** For the love of all things holy can we PLEASE not start that again?!?  
  
**Portia:** I'm back. That was fun.  
  
**Bassanio:** Honey, I'm home!  
**Portia:** Oh, how nice to see you, sweetie. How'd it go?  
**Bassanio:** Antonio got off. The judge was really incredible!  
**Nerissa:** Really?  
**Graziano:** Yeah, the assistant was something too.  
**Portia:** Where are your rings? The ones we told you not to give away to anyone you met, because the Dark Lord of Mordor is looking for them?  
**Graziano:** We gave them away.  
**Bassanio:** But we feel really bad about it.  
**Nerissa:** You are so lame. You realize if Sauron triumphs over all Middle-Earth it'll be your fault?  
**Bassanio:** Can we cut the pop culture references? They're getting incredibly, irritatingly lame.  
**Portia:** Fine. But we're still mad you gave the rings back. We said you could have them, and we meant it.  
**Bassanio:** Huh?  
**Nerissa:** You _are_ terminally lame. You didn't recognize us? Lame, lame, lame.  
  
**Lorenzo:** How sweet. Three couples, a foiled Evil Villain and smart wives who fogive their husbands for their endearing wacky hijinks.  
**Graziano:** Say, didn't you run away with Jessica?  
**Portia:** Shut. Up. All of you.


	8. Much Ado About Nothing

The Condensed Version of _Much Ado About Nothing  
_by Sicily  
  
This play approaches PG-13 territory, due to sexual references and language.  
  
Thank you: D.C. and SHSS.  
  
  
**Messenger:** The army's on its way here. They won.  
**Leonato:** Did anyone die?  
**Messenger: **No major characters.  
**Beatrice:** Good, because the play is just starting. By the way, I guess that -- um, means, um, that, um, Benedick survived, huh? I'm asking because I hate him, not because I'm in love with him or anything.  
**Messenger:** Oh, I see. No, he lived, he's fine.  
**Beatrice:** Oh, thank heaven -- I mean, darn it.  
  
**Leonato:** Welcome! Come, stay at my house, eat my food, and advance the plot for awhile!  
**Don Pedro:** Thank you, I will.  
**Beatrice:** Bickerbicker**I**bickerbicker**love**bickerbickerbicker**you.  
Benedick:**Bickerbicker**I**bickerbicker**love**bickerbicker**you**bickerbicker**too.**Bickerbicker**Marry**bickerbicker**me?**bicker.  
**Leonato:** Nothing subliminal going on there, not at all. They just like to bicker. Seriously.  
  
**Claudio:** Did you see Hero? Perfect ten, I'm telling you.  
**Benedick:** No, I was too busy looking at Beatrice. Because I hate her, you know, not because I'm in love with her or anything.  
**Claudio: **Oh, I see.  
  
**Don Pedro: **So, you're in love with Hero?  
**Claudio:** Wait a sec, I only told Benedick! How is it that you seem to know all about my deepest darkest secret crush?   
**Don Pedro:** Face it, the plot of this play depends on many of us acting as if this were middle school. Along that vein, want me to pretend to steal her away?  
**Claudio:** If it would make the play more exciting, how can I say no?  
  
**Antonio:** So, like guess what! Like, Claudio, he's like, totally in love with your daughter!  
**Leonato:** Ooooo, really? I'll like, go tell her right now! Omygoodnessgoshygracious, this is like, sooooooooooo exciting!  
  
**Conrade:** What's up, man?  
**Don John:** Life is a cycle of sorrow.  
**Conrade:** Well aren't we the little manic depressive.  
**Borachio:** Hey, have you heard? Claudio and Hero are getting married!   
**Don John:** It's all settled? Didn't we just show up three hours ago? Have they ever seen each other before? Has he ASKED her? Isn't this a little SUDDEN?  
**Borachio:** Well, I got it from Leonato, who heard it from Antonio, who heard it from some random servant, who heard it from Don Pedro, who heard Benedick complaining about how Claudio had a crush. So yeah, it's pretty much settled. I'm thinking a June wedding.  
**Don John:** Humph. I dislike the idea that other people will be getting laid while I am not. Therefore I vote we should break them up.  
**Conrade:** Sounds good to me.  
**Borachio:** If there's anything this play is lacking, it's an Evil Scheme.  
  
**Leonato:** Did anyone see the Evil Villain?  
**Antonio:** No, I think he was off planning his Evil Scheme.  
**Beatrice:** Too bad, evil villains are sexy. Because, you know, I can say that, I'm not in love with Bene -- with anyone, I'm totally not in love with anyone and I hate Benedick in particular.  
**Antonio:** How bout you, Hero? You in love?  
**Hero:** I refuse to discuss my personal life with my father and uncle. Beatrice and I will discuss it at our sleepover tonight.  
**Leonato:** Could we please start the dancing before Antonio and I have to ground our daughters?  
  
**Don Pedro:** Will you dance with me?  
**Hero:** Depends. Is that a mask or your real face?  
**Don Pedro:** A mask. I'm really Claudio.  
**Hero:** Uck! That's worse than the mask!  
  
**Balthasar:** Will you dance with me?  
**Margaret:** Depends. Who are you really?  
**Balthasar:** That actually depends which text you read. Some editions say I'm Balthasar, others say I'm Benedick. It's a folio thing.  
  
**Antonio:** Hi.  
**Ursula:** Hi, Antonio.  
**Antonio:** How'd you know it was me?  
**Ursula:** Well, you can bet it wasn't the nametag that says .  
  
**Benedick:** I've heard you're a real bit -- er, .  
**Beatrice:** Shrew?  
**Benedick:** I was trying to keep the rating at PG.   
**Beatrice:** I -- er -- see. I bet you heard that from Benedick. Tell him he's a bas -- er, dull fool.  
**Benedick:** Never heard of him, but if I ever do, I'll tell him.  
**Beatrice:** Good, because, you know, I hate him, and I'm totally not in love with him at all.  
  
**Don John:** Heh, time for my evil scheme. Scuse me, who might you be?  
**Claudio:** Me? Uh, I'm Benedick, yep, Benedick is me. In case you were wondering, I'm definitely _not_ Claudio.  
**Don John:** Oh, good. So, didja hear how Don Pedro is in love with Hero?  
**Claudio:** WHAT?!?  
**Don John:** My work here is done.  
  
**Benedick:** Why so glum?  
**Claudio:** Don Pedro's in love with Hero.  
**Benedick:** Aw, that's rough luck. See, that's why you shouldn't get anyone else to romance your girl. I, for example, would never get anyone to romance Beatrice in my name. If she were my girl, that is, which would never happen, you understand, because I hate her and I'm definitely not in love with her.  
  
**Benedick:** Claudio thinks you stole his girl.  
**Don Pedro:** What is this, middle school?  
**Benedick: **Yes, sir, yes, it is.  
**Don Pedro:** Oh, in that case, how's your love life going?  
**Benedick:** That darn Beatrice kept insulting me! I'm so mad! Not that it matters, you know, since we hate each other and I'm not in love with her.  
**Don Pedro:** Here she comes now. Maybe you'd like to tell her?  
**Benedick:** No!! Please, please, please, puh-leeeeeze send me away to go wax your cat or something? I don't think I could stand next to her any longer without kiss -- without killing her. Sorry, mispoke.  
**Don Pedro:** Riiiiight. How're you doing, Claudio?  
**Claudio:** Pissed to high heaven. Did you steal my girl?  
**Don Pedro:** Yes, but she thought I was you, so it's all good.  
**Claudio:** Wait, so does that mean she's in love with me now? This is confusing.  
**Don Pedro:** Be grateful you're not in _A Midsummer Night's Dream.  
_**Beatrice: **Congrats to you, but you'll never catch me married. I'm not in love, especially not with Benedick.  
**Don Pedro: **Ooh, I see.  
  
**Leonato:** Beatrice should get married.  
**Don Pedro:** I agree. What say we set her up with Benedick?  
**Claudio:** But they keep saying they hate each other and aren't in love!  
**Don Pedro:** . . . And thus it will allow us to have many comic scenes in which we make them fall in love. Come on, does anyone have a better plot for this play?  
**  
Don John:** Darn it all to heck. Claudio's marrying Hero. I hate this! I always have to be the evil villain, I never get the girl!  
**Borachio:** I can fix that.  
**Don John:** You'll get me a girl?  
**Borachio:** No, not even I can do that. But I'll break up Claudio and Hero.  
**Don John:** How's that?  
**Borachio: **If you can get Don Pedro, Claudio, and Leonato outside her bedroom window tomorrow night, I'll get my girlfriend up there to pretend she's Hero having an affair with me.  
**Don John:** Deal. But I still don't see why you have a girlfriend and I don't.  
  
**Benedick:** How lame it is that some guys say they'll never fall in love and then go get married. Take note of what I just said -- it'll become suitably ironic in a minute.  
**Don Pedro:** So, did you hear how Beatrice is in love with Benedick?  
**Leonato:** Is she really? Why doesn't anyone tell him?  
**Claudio:** He'd just make fun of her.   
**Don Pedro:** Poor Beatrice.  
**Benedick:** My God! I've been in love with her all along and never knew it! How could this have happened? I've been so blind! I never would've seen this coming! What a complete shock!  
  
**Beatrice:** Time to come in for lunch. And wash your hands. And I hate you, by the way, I'm totally not in love with you.  
**Benedick:** She's denying it! It must be true! Aauuugh!  
  
**Hero:** So, did you hear how Benedick is in love with Beatrice?  
**Margaret:** Is he really? Why doesn't anyone tell her?  
**Ursula:** She'd just make fun of him.   
**Hero:** Poor Benedick.  
**Beatrice:** My God! I've been in love with him all along and never knew it! How could this have happened? I've been so blind! I never would've seen this coming! What a complete shock!_  
  
_**Don Pedro:** I'm leaving as soon as I see if my plot worked.  
**Claudio:** Want me to come with you?  
**Don Pedro:**Are you high? Your wife would kill you.  
**Claudio:** Good point. Hey, Benedick, are you all right?  
**Benedick:** I have a toothache. I'm not in love or anything, nope, not me, I'm glum because I have a toothache.  
**Claudio:** Good lord, has anything changed?  
**Don Pedro:** Well, before he wasn't doodling I'm madly in love with Beatrice and I want to marry her and have loads of smart-ass children on his napkin.  
**Claudio:** You're right! He added the bit about smart-ass children due to our plot. I'm so glad it worked!  
  
**Don John:** So, Claudio, still planning to be married tomorrow?  
**Claudio:** Is there a reason I shouldn't?  
**Don John:** Oh, no, no, I guess you don't mind that Hero's cheating on you, that's fine...  
**Claudio:** WHAT?!?  
**Don Pedro:** Wait a sec, I think you're the Evil Villain. That means ... you could be lying! Don't believe him, Claudio.  
**Don John:** I can prove it.  
**Don Pedro:** Oh, okay then, maybe you weren't lying.  
  
**Dogberry:** Hello, my wacky friends! I, Dogberry, am a watchman, otherwise known as the wild and wacky comic relief!   
**Verges:** Sort of like Jar Jar Binks?  
**Dogberry:** Yes! Exactly!  
**Verges:** Where's your speech impediment?  
**Dogberry:** Huh. I could've sworn I had one. Must've got lost when the play was condensed.  
**Verges:** Hey, you know, I hated Jar Jar. Stands to reason I'll hate you too. Can I kill you in advance?  
**Dogberry:** No! Unlike Jar Jar, I have an integral part to play in the plot later on!  
**Verges:** Drat.  
  
**Borachio:** Dude, Don John gave me a thousand bucks to mess up Claudio and Hero's wedding.  
**Conrade:** And I thought it was only the unmusical boy bands who had too much money to burn. Now I find out it's the evil villains, too.  
**Borachio:** Heh. This is great. Easy money. All I had to do was stand out in the orchard, call Margaret, in front of Don John and Claudio, and he pays me!  
**Verges:** What's this I hear about breaking up Claudio and Hero.  
**Borachio:** Dammit! Foiled again! You'd think we were the bad guys or something!  
**Dogberry:** Lock him up until the plot has conveniently progressed far enough so that it will be both funny and last-minute crucial that we release him.  
  
**Margaret:** That veil is incredibly ugly.  
**Hero:** That's not funny. This was my mother's.  
**Margaret:** . . . So, did I mention how great you're looking?  
**Beatrice:** Happy to be getting married?  
**Hero:** Yes, actually. Wait, wait, I know, I know, you'll never marry and you're not in love, and even if you were it wouldn't be with Benedick.  
**Beatrice:** Uh, yeah. Um, exactly. Right. What you said. I have a headache...  
**Hero:** Hehehe... of course you do.  
  
**Dogberry:** Hello! I'm back and I'm stiiiiiiiilll wacky!  
**Leonato:** So, what can I do for you?  
**Dogberry:** You can join me in a wacky and fun singalong!  
**Leonato:** No, no, that's okay, no, I don't think I will thanks...  
**Dogberry:** Sing it with me now! This old watch, we arrested two, two big jerks all for to stew...  
**Leonato: **This job does not pay nearly enough.  
  
**Friar:** Mawwidge... that bwesseth awwangementh... dat dweem wiffin a dweem...  
**Claudio:** Nope, sorry. As shown previously, I have a very juvenile, in fact rather middle-school mentality. Therefore I will not only dump Hero on basically unfounded accusations of cheating without talking it through with her in a reasonable and mature manner, I will do it in an incredibly embarrassing display before witnesses.  
**Hero:** This is the most embarrassing moment of my life! Perhaps I can send it in to the Most Embarrassing Moments section of _Seventeen..._  
  
**Leonato:** I can't believe anyone would accuse my daughter of cheating! I wish I were dead! Better yet, I wish _she_ were dead!  
**Friar:** You're an idiot. Hero didn't sleep around with anyone. But we can pretend she's dead if it would make you feel better.  
**Leonato:** Thanks, you're the best.  
  
**Benedick:** Shall we just cut the crap and admit our true feelings?  
**Beatrice:** Yeah, what with this whole Hero thing it seems silly to draw it out.  
**Benedick:** I'm madly in love with you.  
**Beatrice:** What a coincidence! Turns out I'm desperately in love with you, too.  
**Benedick:** I'm sorry you're so sad about Hero.  
**Beatrice:** You know, if you really loved me you'd challenge Claudio to a duel over Hero's honor.  
**Benedick:** But he's my best friend! And it's not like it's _your_ honor or anything, I mean, Hero's just the subplot.  
**Beatrice:** Please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze?  
**Benedick: **Oh, okay.... since I love you so much and you're my snookie-pums.  
  
**Dogberry:** It is I again, my wacky friends! Here I am, in the company of these bad, bad, weebuses who did bad, bad, things.  
**Borachio:** Aw, it was all Don John's idea!  
**Conrade:** Yeah, blame him.  
**Dogberry:** Oh, my goodness gracious! It seems it was all the fault of that horrible, bad, bad weebus, Don John! Hero has been accused wrongfully! See, you wacky Verges? I told you I'm integral to the plot.  
  
**Leonato:** I'm so depressed. My life sucks. I can't believe people think I raised such a naughty, naughy bad girl. Especially since she's innocent and all. My life is ruined forever.  
**Antonio:** Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and _get over it_!  
  
**Leonato:** She totally didn't sleep around, Claudio!  
**Claudio:** Riiiight. Sure. I don't believe you.  
**Leonato:** But -- but -- ARGH!!  
  
**Benedick:** I hate you. You're a mean nasty slanderer.  
**Claudio:** But I thought we were friends!  
**Benedick:** That was before you told lies about my girlfriend's cousin. Now I hate you.  
**Claudio:** Oh that's horr -- girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?  
**Benedick: **Shut up and fight me.  
**Don Pedro:** But Hero really did --  
**Dogberry:** No, she really didn't, my wacky friend! These men have confessed to the crime.**  
Claudio:** Oh no! I was wrong! I feel so... horrible...  
**Leonato:** H'mmm.... do you now?  
  
**Leonato:** You know, my daughter's dead because of you.  
**Borachio:** I thought you _wanted_ her to be dead.  
**Leonato:** That was before I knew she was innocent.  
  
**Benedick:** You're pretty. Call Beatrice.  
**Margaret:** You're handsome. Okay.  
**Beatrice:** Did you fight Claudio?  
**Benedick:** No, but --  
**Beatrice:** I hate you.  
**Benedick:** I'm on my way to fight him now. I just came to tell you I love you, just in case I get killed or something.  
**Beatrice:** Oh, really? How sweet! I love you... you're wonderful... you're amazing...   
**Benedick:** Marry me?  
**Beatrice:** Yes! Yes!  
**Ursula:** Y'all better come. Borachio confessed.  
  
**Claudio:** Oh, I feel so very, very guilty.  
  
**Leonato:** If you're really feeling so guilty, why don't you marry Hero's ... er ... cousin ... in penitence?  
**Claudio:** You mean Beatrice?  
**Leonato:** No, no. A different cousin.  
**Claudio:** Well, I guess so... but how will that be penitence?  
**Leonato:** Will you stop finding holes in my scheme? I'm doing this for your own good, you know.  
  
**Friar:** Okay, _now_ are we ready to be married?  
**Claudio:** I guess so.  
**Hero:** Surprise!  
**Claudio:** My God! You're not dead! What an unexpected surprise! This is certainly a new device... no one's EVER come back to life in a Shakespeare play before...  
**Hero:** Quit playing literary critic and let's get married.  
**Claudio:** You mean you forgive me for dumping you, embarrassing you, slandering you, and generally making an ass of myself?  
**Hero:** This is a comedy, remember? It's in the rules. At the end of Shakespearian comedies, everyone gets married, at the end of tragedies, everyone dies. It's not that hard.  
  
**Beatrice:** ... but the told me you were really in love with me!  
**Benedick:** That's funny, the way I heard it, you were in love with me first!  
**Beatrice:** We've been set up! It was all a trick!  
**Benedick:** They manipulated us into thinking we were in love!  
**Beatrice:** The nerve!  
**Benedick:** Oh, well. Wanna get married anyway?  
**Beatrice:** Sure, sounds good. I love you, my sweet sugar-pookie-kins.  
**Benedick:** And I love you, my darling honey beary dovey do.


	9. Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

The Condensed Version of _Hamlet, Prince of Denmark_  
by Sicily  
  
One extra note: There's another shortened version of this play, also posted at FanFiction.Net. The author's name is Cherry Blossom, and her version of this particular play came first. I don't think I ripped her off; it's been awhile since I read her fiver and I tried to be original. Anyway, if you liked this and want more _Hamlet_, or if you hate this and want to see it done better, there is an alternative. :) (She saw my earlier parodies and took the concept and ran with it. I'm just catching up-- I liked this play and wanted to condense it as well.)  
  
Acknowledgments: My English teacher. No, really. There are minor advantages to assigning a Shakespeare play over spring break, but don't tell anyone I said so. Also D.C. and Blue. Y'all are awesome. :)  
  
  
**Marcellus:** We saw a ghost here yesterday.   
**Horatio:** Uh-huh, sure.   
**Ghost:** Boo.  
**Bernardo:** Dude. Creepy.  
  
**Claudius:** As you know, Laertes: my older brother, the real king of Denmark and Hamlet's father, is dead, and I have married his queen, my former sister-in-law. I am king now, even though Hamlet is of age. Got all that?  
**Laertes:** You were right. I did know all that.  
**Claudius:** True enough, but the audience didn't, so...  
**Laertes:** Point taken. Hey, can I go to France?  
**Claudius: **Sure, have fun. I'll expect you back in Act V, though, you're scheduled to die.  
**Laertes:** I am? How'd you know?  
**Claudius:** I didn't; I'm playing the odds. This is _Hamlet_, after all.  
  
**Claudius: **Yo, Hamlet, my man. Why so sad?  
**Gertrude:** Yeah, what's up?  
**Hamlet:** Sorry, top secret. If I told you, I'd have to kill you.  
**Claudius:** Aw, I bet you're still mad about your father being dead. You're such a sissy.  
  
**Hamlet:** I'm not either a sissy. I'm a slightly crazed romantic idealist indecisive manic depressive, thank _you_ very much.  
  
**Horatio:** Yo yo yo, man, how's it going?  
**Hamlet:** Life is rotten. My dad's dead and my mom married his brother.  
**Horatio:** You are kind of obsessing on that topic.  
**Hamlet:** Wouldn't you?  
**Horatio:** Okay, okay, fair enough. Oh, and I saw his ghost.  
**Hamlet:** Really? My dad? Lemme see.  
  
**Laertes:** Write me. Oh, and Hamlet's an idiot; I wouldn't fall for him if I were you.  
**Ophelia:** You're not me, you're my brother. But thanks anyway.  
**Polonius:** Here, have some platitudes and cliché advice for the road.  
**Laertes:** Holy mackerel, Dad! Thanks! You're so swell!  
**Polonius:** Oh, and Ophelia? Hamlet stinks.  
**Ophelia: **Why is everyone so against my boyfriend?  
**Polonius:** Hey, we're just trying to soften the blow so when he dumps you in Act III it won't be such a shock.  
  
**Horatio:** Brrr.  
**Hamlet:** So, where is this alleged ghost?  
**Ghost:** Boo.  
**Hamlet:** Hi there! Let's get a round of applause for our special guest, the Ghost! So, tell us about yourself. You a good ghost, a bad ghost, a Casper ghost...?  
**Horatio:** Looks like it wants to talk to you alone.  
**Marcellus:** Wooohooooo! Kinky!  
**Horatio: **Look, just make sure it doesn't make you go crazy, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, okay?  
  
**Hamlet:** Okay, we're alone.   
**Ghost:** Hamlet . . . _I am your father!_**  
Hamlet:** For the love of all things holy, can we not have _one _of these things that is completely free from pop culture references?  
**Ghost:** Sorry, but it's a tradition. And this was so _easy_!   
**Hamlet:** Whatever. You going to give us a plot for the play, or should I just leave?  
**Ghost:** Fine, fine. Kill your uncle. He killed your dad.  
**Hamlet:** But two wrongs won't make a right.  
**Ghost:** Yes, but your alternative is spending these two hours doing a standup comedy routine. We have to entertain the audience _somehow._  
**Hamlet:** Point taken. Kill my uncle. Sounds good.  
  
**Horatio:** So, what happened?**  
Hamlet:** He threatened to make me do standup comedy.  
**Horatio:** AAAAUUUUGHHH!  
**Hamlet:** Don't worry, we found a different plot. I'm going to pretend to be insane, and you get to decide if it's an act or the real thing. Now promise that you won't tell anybody that.  
**Horatio: **That standup comedy thing is sounding better and better.  
  
**Polonius:** Go find out how Laertes is.  
**Reynaldo:** Okay.   
**Polonius:** Also, slander him and make everyone think he's an impetuous fool.  
**Reynaldo:** The heck?  
**Polonius:** Just do it, okay?  
  
**Ophelia:** Daddy! Daddy, Hamlet is acting crazy.  
**Polonius:** Hon, get used to it. I tried to warn you before, but did you listen? Noooooo.  
  
**Claudius:** Welcome, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!  
**Gertrude:** What are you doing?  
**Rosencrantz: **Flipping coins. But we'll stop now.  
**Claudius:** Huh?  
**Guildenstern: ** Don't even try to understand that one. The author is a Stoppard fan, that's all you need to know.   
  
**Polonius:** I know why Hamlet's crazy!  
**Claudius:** He knows why Hamlet's crazy!  
**Gertrude:** So do I. His dad's dead and we got married. Geez, people, it doesn't take a rocket scientist. He's only been griping about it every single time he's been on stage.  
  
**Voltemand:** So, do you like stuff?  
**Claudius: **God, is Voltemand really your name? What were your parents _thinking_?  
**Voltemand:** *sniffle* Fine. If you're going to insult me, I'll just leave now. It's not like I had a purpose in this scene anyway, and now you make fun of my _name_?  
  
**Polonius:** I think you should know, Hamlet is certifiably insane.  
**Gertrude:** Cut to the chase, why don't you? We knew that already.  
**Polonius:** I think it's because he's in love with my daughter.  
**Claudius:** Really? What gives you that idea?  
**Polonius:** This letter.  
**Gertrude:** Dearest darling snookie-pums, you are the most bestest wonderfulest lady ever ever ever and I heart you so much I'm going plum crazy. Your love-turkey, Hamlet. Huh. Okay, sounds reasonable.  
**Polonius:** See, before I saw this, I thought it was just a crush, and I told her not to give him the time of day. But now he's turned into a crazed stalker, so I'm thinking I should give her my permission to date him.  
**Gertrude:** Not entirely sure I follow your reasoning, but whatever.  
  
**Polonius:** What are you reading?  
**Hamlet:** Words.  
**Polonius:** My god, you're so reasonable you must be crazy! I can barely understand the logic!  
**Hamlet:** Yes, many people have had that reaction.  
  
**Rosencrantz:** Hi!  
**Hamlet:** Hi! What the blazes are you doing here?  
**Guildenstern:** We just, uh, came to visit.  
**Hamlet: **Uh-huh, suuure. I bet my uncle paid you to find out why I'm acting insane.  
**Rosencrantz:** Um, no! That's not it!  
**Guildenstern:** How could you possibly get that idea?**  
Hamlet:** I'm crazy, remember?  
  
**Rosencrantz:** There are some actors on their way here.  
**Hamlet:** Auuuuugh! Actors? Eeek! Actors scare me!  
**Guildenstern:** But these ones are willing double as a plot device.  
**Hamlet:** Oh, that's okay then.  
  
**Polonius:** Actors are here.  
**Hamlet:** Snickerdoodle, hawknose, pussywillow.  
  
**Hamlet:** I want you to do a play.  
**Player:** Wait, back up a sec, Dr. Science. What is this you speak of, and where can I find one? No one's _ever_ asked me to do a _play_ before. God. New concepts.  
**Hamlet:** Ha ha, very funny. I'm the one that's supposed to be insane here.  
  
**Hamlet:** Hi, audience! Ready to hear my Mad Scheme? I'm going to have the players act out the whole younger-brother-kills-older-brother-for-wife-and-power plot, and watch my uncle's face. I figure, if he blushes, he's guilty. Yes, this is a dumb and potentially flawed assumption, but I'm insane, so I'm allowed to have those.  
  
**Gertrude:** So, whaddaya think?  
**Rosencrantz:** Hamlet is crazy.  
**Claudius: **I swear to God, I hear that one more time, _I'll_ go crazy.  
**Gertrude:** Uh, anything else to report?  
**Polonius:** Hamlet's crazy and he wants you to see a play.  
**Claudius:** Hey, can I point out something? _We all know Hamlet's crazy. We want to know why. Just telling us he's crazy is dumb. We already know that._****Okay, done now.  
**Guildenstern:** Get the feeling the author has some issues to work out with this play?  
**Gertrude:** Just a few.  
  
**Hamlet:** To be, or not to be, that is the question. That is also the most recognizable line in all of Shakespeare, so if you needed it condensed for you, you're _lame. _Lame, lame, lame. Sheesh. Kids these days.   
  
**Ophelia:** Hi.  
**Hamlet:** Hi.  
**Ophelia:** I love you.  
**Hamlet:** That's my line.  
**Ophelia:** No, actually, in this scene you're supposed to hate me.  
**Hamlet:** Oh, hey, you're right! Sorry, lost track. Give me the cue again?  
**Ophelia: **I love you!  
**Hamlet:** Ahem. I hate you!  
**Ophelia:** Oh woe is me! How awful! I want to die!  
  
**Claudius:** What's wrong?  
**Ophelia:** Hamlet hates me! Also, he's insane!  
**Polonius:** Well, in that case, I'd take it as a compliment.  
**Ophelia:** You're no help at all.  
  
**Hamlet:** Now read the speech I gave you. And do it exactly perfectly the way I want it. The first time.  
**Player:** I don't like you very much at all, you know?  
**Hamlet:** Never mind. Go away.  
  
**Polonius:** Hi. Bye.  
**Rosencrantz:** Hi. Bye.  
**Guildenstern:** Hi. Bye.  
**Hamlet: **What. Ever.  
  
**Hamlet:** You know, Horatio, you're pretty cool.  
**Horatio:** Thanks.  
  
**Hamlet:** Plays, man. Plays are so cool.  
**Claudius:** What did you say? Okay, now we _know_ he's crazy.  
**  
Hamlet:** Hi.  
**Ophelia:** Don't even try to flirt with me. Do you know how much I'm paying in therapy bills right now? And it's all your fault.  
**Hamlet:** Geez. Touchy touchy.  
  
**PlayerKing:** Wow, ain't life grand?  
**PlayerQueen:** Sure is.  
**PlayerEvilBrother:** Die! Die! Die!  
**PlayerKing:** Never mind.  
**PlayerEvilBrother:** I love you.  
**PlayerQueen:** Let's get married.  
**PlayerEvilBrother:** Yes, now that I have killed my brother and become king, let's give this scandal that whole Hollywood touch.   
**Claudius:** Drat, they're on to me.  
  
**Hamlet:** So, didja get it? Didja understand what's happening, do you get what's going on, can I explain anything to you?  
**Claudius:** Go away.  
  
**Guildenstern:** The king left, he wants you to know he's very upset.   
**Rosencrantz:** I think you hurt his feelings.  
**Hamlet:** Aha! My plot worked!  
**Guildenstern:** Sure it did.  
**Rosencrantz:** If by you mean was purely show and meant nothing substantial except that your uncle is squeamish.  
  
**Claudius:** Okay, that play thing? That was the last straw. I'm sending Hamlet to England with you.   
**Guildenstern:** Duh, what good will that do?  
**Claudius:** Well, either they'll kill him, or he'll betray you and they'll kill you instead. Either way, I win.  
  
**Polonius:** Hamlet's gone to see his mother. Want me to spy on him?  
**Claudius:** If you wouldn't mind, that'd be great.  
  
**Claudius:** Drat, I hate feeling guilty. Please, God, make me not guilty for killing my brother, marrying his wife, seizing his kingdom and trying to kill his son. Please?  
**Hamlet:** Shoot, he's praying. I can't kill him while's he's praying, no matter how awful he is. Whether that's because I'm pious or indecisive I'll leave up to you.  
  
**Polonius:** I'll just hide back here if that's all right.  
**Gertrude:** No prob. Hi, Hamlet!  
**Hamlet:** Mom, I hate you.  
**Gertrude:** Well, I'm not excessively fond of you either, comes to that.  
**Hamlet:** Say, do you think we have some sort of Oedipus/Jocasta relationship going on? Something that would imply a deeper meaning in this so called hatred?  
**Gertrude:** I think you shouldn't bring literary analysis into a parody.  
**Hamlet:** Yeah, guess you're right. Just wondering.   
**Polonius:** Cough, cough. Ahem.  
**Hamlet:** What in the heck?   
[Hamlet kills Polonius.]  
**Gertrude:** That was not a nice thing to do.  
**Hamlet:** You know, Mom, you killed your husband, married his brother, and tried to disinherit your son, so if I were you I'd quit acting like a sparkling example of purity and virtue, mmmkay?  
**Ghost:** Hamlet, don't get out of hand and kill your mom, too. Focus on your uncle Claudius for right now. Task at hand, and all that. You've got two more acts. There'll plenty of time to get all Orestes and kill your mom or whatever later.   
**Hamlet:** You so spoil my fun.  
  
**Gertrude:** So anyway, Claudius wants you to go to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  
**Hamlet:** He wants to get rid of me? Like, I'm shocked to hear you say that.  
  
**Claudius:** So, how's Hamlet doing?  
**Gertrude:** He's crazy! Also, he killed Polonius.  
**Claudius:** Okay, that settles it, I'm getting him away from me.  
  
**Rosencrantz:** So, what did you do with the body?  
**Hamlet:** Body?  
**Guildenstern:** Polonius. We heard you killed Polonius.  
**Hamlet:** Oh, _that_ body. Stashed it in a dumpster, why?  
**Rosencrantz:** Do you ever think of yourself as actually _dead_, lying in a box with a lid on it?  
**Hamlet:** No. I don't. And quit it with the Stoppard references; I mean it.   
**Guildenstern:** Come on, how many chances do we get to plug the play that's named after us?  
**Hamlet:** Yeah, well, read the whole title of that play and then _shut your traps._ I'm a crazy murderer, remember?  
  
**Claudius:** Where's the body?!?  
**Hamlet:** Well, heaven, if he's lucky. Want me to send you after him, so you can check?  
**Claudius:** No, but if you keep annoying me like this, I'll send you.  
  
**Captain:** So, uh, Norway is invading Poland.  
**Hamlet:** And this involves Denmark... how?  
**Captain:** Um, well, it mostly doesn't, except, you know, we might get involved or something. Mostly it just promises lots of blood and gore for the audience, and it kinda contributes to the general feeling of uncertainty and unrest prevalent in this play.  
**Hamlet:** Right. If you say so.  
  
**Hamlet:** I should really get revenge on Claudius, you know? Like, really. I should. I should kill him or something. I mean, he's a bad, bad man, that Claudius. I should do something really bad for him. You know, like revenge, because he killed my dad, and married my mom, and stole the kingdom and all that. Really. I should. And I will. It's on my to-do list. Honest.  
  
**Horatio:** Ophelia's gone crazy.  
**Gertrude:** Poor thing.   
**Ophelia: **Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo. That's me, cuckoo, cuckoo.  
**Claudius:** Geez, you make me nervous. Follow her, Horatio.  
  
**Claudius:** No wonder she went crazy, what with her father being murdered and all, and Hamlet being so mean.  
**Gertrude:** Do you listen to yourself, ever?  
  
**Messenger:** Um, bad news. The people want to overthrow you and make Laertes king.  
**Claudius:** The hell? Laertes is just a minor lord, and besides, I thought he was on my side. I don't get this play at all.  
  
**Laertes:** You bastard. Where's my dad?  
**Claudius: **Dead. But it so wasn't my fault.  
**Laertes:** Kay then, whose fault _was_ it?  
**Claudius:** Hamlet's, now that you mention it.  
**Laertes:** That son of a --!  
**Claudius:** That's the spirit. I vote you kill him.  
  
**Ophelia:** Cuckoo, cuckoo.  
**Laertes:** What? What happened to you?  
**Ophelia:** Went crazy. You should try it, it's quite a trip.  
**Laertes:** Whose fault was this?  
**Claudius:** Hamlet's.  
**Laertes:** You're kidding. Damn. He's a bad mother---  
**Gertrude:** Shut your mouth!  
  
**Sailor:** Letter for you.  
**Horatio:** It's from Hamlet. He says he's been captured by pirates.  
  
**Laertes:** So, why haven't you punished Hamlet?  
**Claudius:** I was waiting for you to come do it for me, actually.  
**Messenger:** Letter from Hamlet. He's on his way back.  
**Claudius:** Good, you'll be able to get right to work.  
  
**Claudius:** So, I've heard you're quite a swordsman.  
**Laertes:** Okay, okay, I'll fight Hamlet for you.   
**Claudius:** Thanks, you're the best.  
**Laertes:** You so owe me for this.  
  
**Gertrude:** Ophelia drowned herself.  
**Laertes: **Wow. How shocking.  
**Gertrude:** Aren't you sad?  
**Laertes:** Well, it's not like it comes as a big surprise. This is a tragedy, remember?  
  
**Clown:** So, do you think drowning yourself counts as suicide if you're crazy?  
**Other Clown:** No, but I think our non-witty non-banter is really dull.  
  
**Hamlet:** I can't believe they're chit-chatting as they dig my ex's grave.  
**Horatio:** Well, you did drive her to insanity and are indirectly responsible for her death, so I don't think you really get to have opinions. Also, the audience needs some sort of respite from all the death and whatnot.  
**Hamlet:** But these are grave diggers! Besides, it's not even funny!  
  
**Laertes:** It so bites that my sister's dead.  
**Gertrude:** I know, that does kind of suck, even if you were expecting it and all.  
  
**Laertes:** Dammit, I can't take it anymore! Bury me with her!  
**Hamlet:** Who are you, and why do you love Ophelia so much?  
**Laertes:** I'm her brother, moron. Besides you dumped her and made her kill herself. This is all _your fault_!!  
**Hamlet:** Too true. Whatcha gonna do about it?  
**Laertes:** Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.  
**Hamlet: **Hey, weren't we talking about your _sister_? Wait a sec -- okay, that settles it, you brought in another pop culture reference, I have to kill you now.  
  
**Hamlet:** By the way, I found out my uncle was going to have me killed.  
**Horatio:** Wow, how did you escape?  
**Hamlet:** Forged the letter to say something else. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead!  
**Horatio:** I thought you hated pop culture references?  
**Hamlet:** What are you talking about? That baby's from the original Shakespeare! Not my fault that Stoppard ripped him off.  
**Horatio:** Most people consider it a homage, you know.  
**Hamlet:** Like I give a care. Can I kill Laertes yet?  
  
**Orsic:** Hi. I just want you to know, I think you're swell.  
**Hamlet:** That's great and all, but did you have anything more meaningful to add?  
**Orsic:** Careful. Laertes is a kick-butt swordsman, he's desperate, and Claudius offered him a reward if he kills you.  
  
**Horatio:** Um, not to be a bad friend or anything, but -- you're so going to lose.  
**Hamlet:** Aw, it's no biggie. I bet Laertes is a wimp.  
  
**Hamlet:** Sorry about your sister and your dad and all.  
**Laertes:** Aw, that's okay. No hard feelings.  
**Hamlet:** Ready to fight?  
**Laertes:** I'm going to kill you, you bastard.  
  
[Hamlet and Laertes fight.]  
  
**Claudius:** Want a drink?  
**Hamlet:** No thanks, I'm in the middle of something right now.  
  
[Hamlet and Laertes fight some more. Both are wounded.]  
  
**Gertrude:** How bout that drink?  
**Claudius:** Gertrude -- no --!  
  
[Gertrude falls.]  
  
**Claudius:** Aw, crud, it was poisoned, you idiot! _Hamlet_ was supposed to drink it, not you!  
**Hamlet:** Well, if you care, you got your wish. I just got stabbed with a poisoned sword.  
**Claudius:** Excellent! What's the catch?  
**Laertes:** I got stabbed with it too.  
**Claudius:** Eh, well, you're expendable.  
  
[Gertrude dies.]  
  
**Hamlet:** You self-serving bastard! Now my mom's dead, too!  
**Claudius:** Deal, you sissy.  
  
[Hamlet stabs Claudius with the poisoned sword, then forces him to drink from the poisoned goblet, just to be sure. Claudius dies.]  
  
**Hamlet:** Okay, that takes care of that.  
  
[Laertes dies.]  
  
**Hamlet:** Ooops, well, I didn't like him much anyway.  
  
[Hamlet dies.]  
  
**Horatio:** Okay, anyone else?  
**Ambassador:** Dear god, what happened here?  
**Horatio:** They all died. Lots of poison. Very bad. You can take over, if you like.  
**Fortinbras:** Um, okay, I guess, seeing as how all your royalty is dead. Sure.


	10. The Tragedy of Macbeth

The Condensed Version of _The Tragedy of Macbeth_  
by Sicily  
  
This play borders on PG-13, for bad language.  
  
Thank you: My family, lilichild, Turtle, Spastic, and Kate Crufi.  
  
Oh and one more thing... for best effect, imagine Lady Macbeth speaking with a really strong Brooklyn accent.   
  
**  
First Witch, Second Witch, Third Witch:** Hi.   
**First Witch: **Okay, that takes care of that. See y'all after the battle.  
**Second Witch:** Ta ta.  
**Third Witch:** Battle? Wait -- what battle? Hey! Is there a battle?  
  
**King Duncan:** Ew, quit bleeding on my shoes. I mean, what is _with _that?  
**Malcolm:** No, no, shh, this is a good guy. Ahem! How's the battle going?  
**Bloody Soldier:** About how you'd expect. Lots of blood, guts, and gore. Macbeth is kicking arse, if you care.  
**King Duncan: **Well, he is the title character, so I suppose we should.  
  
**Ross:** The Norwegians have teamed up with the Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint and they're fighting you.  
**King Duncan:** My God! You're, like, on _Friends_! That is so cool! Can I have your autograph?  
**Ross:** No! That was supposed to sound ominous! And you ruined it!  
**King Duncan:** Ahem. Sorry. To take the emphasis off my blunder, I hereby pronounce Macbeth the new Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint.  
  
**First Witch:** So, where were ya?  
**Second Witch:** Killing swine.  
**Third Witch:** Huh? Huh? What does that mean?  
**First Witch:** Shut up. Quick, everyone look mysterious. Here comes Macbeth.  
  
**Macbeth:** We won.  
**Banquo:** My God, who are they?  
**Macbeth:** Witches.  
**First Witch:** Hey, it's Macbeth, Thane of Glamis!  
**Second Witch:** Hey, it's Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint!  
**Third Witch:** What's a ?  
**Second Witch:** That wasn't your line!  
**Third Witch: **But I want to know.  
**Second Witch:** A Scottish Lord. Now say your line.  
**Third Witch:** But I forgot.  
**First Witch:** Be quiet, both of you. Ahem. Hey, it's Macbeth, King of Scotland! And Banquo, whose sons will be kings of Scotland!  
**Macbeth: **I do not get it.  
  
**Ross:** Macbeth! Duncan said you're the new Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint!   
**Macbeth:** Cool.  
**Banquo:** But how did the witches know?  
**Macbeth:** I do not know.  
**Banquo:** But is the old one dead yet?  
**Macbeth:** I do not know.  
**Ross:** Well, no, but he was an evil, bad man, who betrayed the king. Oh, yes, that bad Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint.  
  
**King Duncan:** So, is the Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint dead yet?  
**Malcolm:** Yes. That guy over there said so.  
**King Duncan:** Hey, Macbeth! Thanks for saving my butt! I pronounce you Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint! Banquo, you're cool, but the play's not named after you so I can't give you a title.  
**Macbeth:** Thank you.  
**Banquo:** Aw, no fair.  
**King Duncan:** You all remember my son, Malcolm, heir to my throne, right?  
**Macbeth:** Drat.  
  
**Lady Macbeth:** Says here that Macbeth will be named Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint, and witches predicted he'll be King, see? But see, Macbeth, he's so, ya know, nice, that he wouldn't kill the king to be made king and all that. This is a problem already.  
**Messenger:** King's staying here tonight.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Ooo, I better start feeling all evil. That'll be important, see? Evil, evil, evil.  
**Macbeth: **I'm here.  
**Lady Macbeth: **We'll kill the king tonight, see? Then you'll become king, see? Won't that be great already?  
  
**Macbeth:** Welcome.  
**Lady Macbeth:** We're so happy to have you here, see? And we definitely won't kill you in your sleep, okay?  
**King Duncan:** Liking it here.  
  
**Macbeth:** I will kill Duncan.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Damn straight you will, see? You're going to kill him already. I'd do it, but I'm a woman, see? And Shakespearean audiences are gonna be shocked enough that I'm _planning_ the whole thing, so I gotta at least let you _do_ it, know what I mean?  
**Macbeth: **But...  
**Lady Macbeth:** No buts, see?  
**Macbeth:** If...  
**Lady Macbeth: **No ifs, see?  
**Macbeth:** Yet...  
**Lady Macbeth: **Just kill him already.  
  
**Banquo:** This is scary.  
**Macbeth:** No.  
**Banquo:** Hey, remember those freaky witches who...  
**Macbeth:** No. Bye.  
**Banquo:** Ooookay then.  
**Macbeth:** Dagger. Midair. Odd.  
  
**Lady Macbeth:** Didja do it already?  
**Macbeth:** Yes.  
**Lady Macbeth:** And did anyone see ya?  
**Macbeth:** No.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Good. You okay?  
**Macbeth:** No.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Well, get over it and go wash your bloody hands already.  
  
**Macduff:** Knock knock.  
**Porter:** Who's there?  
**Lennox:** Knock knock.  
**Porter: **I refuse to get sucked any further into that.  
**Macbeth:** Hi.  
**Macduff:** How's the king?**  
Macbeth:** Fine.  
**Macduff:** I'll just go see. Augh! He's dead!  
**Macbeth:** Oh.  
**Lady Macbeth:** What's wrong?  
**Lennox:** I can't tell you. You're a girl.  
**Macbeth:** King. Dead. Bad.  
**Banquo:** Oh dear!  
**Macduff:** Macbeth got out of control and killed the guards, because circumstantial evidence links them with the murder.  
**Macbeth:** Yes.  
  
**Malcolm:** They killed him, they could kill us too.  
**Donalbain:** Good point. Let's leave.  
  
**Old Man:** I can't believe the king's dead.  
**Macduff:** Yeah, and since Malcolm and Donalbain ran away, looks like Macbeth will be king next.  
**Ross:** Okay, raise your hand, anyone who didn't see that coming.  
  
**Banquo:** The witches were right.  
**Macbeth:** Yes.  
  
**Macbeth:** Wish I hadn't killed the king.  
  
**First Murderer:** We're terrible and scary murderers.  
**Second Murderer:** Yeah. Both of us.  
**Macbeth:** Kill Banquo.  
  
**Lady Macbeth:** Look, will you get over killing the stupid king already?  
**Macbeth:** No.  
**Lady Macbeth:** But are you planning to kill anyone else? Cause you should be happy, see.  
**Macbeth:** Maybe.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Maybe to the first part or the second part?  
  
**First Murderer, Second Murderer, Third Murderer:** Hi.  
**Third Murderer: **You here to kill Banquo?  
**First Murderer:** Yes.  
**Second Murderer:** Yeah. Both of us.  
**Third Murderer:** Well, let's get to it.  
**Banquo:** Looks like rain. [dies]  
  
**First Murderer:** We killed Banquo.  
**Second Murderer:** Yeah. Both of us.  
**Macbeth:** Good.  
  
[Ghost of Banquo sits in Macbeth's seat.]  
**Ross:** Sit down, your highness.  
**Macbeth:** No.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Jeez, you are such a wuss, see? Will you just get over this preocupation you have with murdering people? Get on, move past it already. Seriously. I don't want to have to put you in therapy here.  
[Ghost leaves.]  
**Macbeth:** Okay.  
[Ghost comes in again.]  
**Macbeth:** Scary!  
**Lady Macbeth:** Look, just ignore him, okay?  
[Ghost leaves]  
**Lennox:** Riiiiiight, whatever.  
  
**First Witch:** Yo yo yo!  
**Hecate:** I am Hecate, goddess of the night! Fear me! Bow before me! Kiss my feet! Admit that I am the coolest ever there was!  
**First Witch:** Yes ma'am.  
  
**Lennox:** You know, it's odd. Macbeth is made Thane of Cawdor-hint-hint, and suddenly Duncan dies, and Macbeth kills the murderers before they can admit or deny anything. Now Banquo has disappeared. Oh well. Want some pie?  
**Lord:** Yeah, and now Macduff is gone, and so are Malcolm and Donalbain, leaving Macbeth as the only person who could take the throne. It _is_ odd. Sure, I'd love some pie.  
  
**First Witch, Second Witch:** Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.  
**Third Witch:** Wait, that line is really from Shakespeare? Damn. Well, you learn something new every day...  
**Hecate: **Shut up and start acting sinister, or I'll take away your witch title.  
**Macbeth:** What.  
**First Witch:** Yeah, yeah, you want to know what your weaknesses are. Watch.  
**First Apparition:** Beware Macduff.  
**Macbeth:** Thanks.  
**Second Apparition:** Don't worry about anyone who was born from a woman.  
**Macbeth:** Ummm...  
**Third Apparition:** Nothing will hurt you until a forest moves.  
**Macbeth:** But...  
**Second Witch:** Don't question, just nod and smile.**  
Macbeth: **Okay.  
[Ghost of Banquo shows up.]  
**Macbeth: **Oh drat.  
  
**Macbeth:** Preemptive strike.  
  
**Lady Macduff:** Why'd my husband leave? That bastard! I bet he's cheating on me.  
**Ross:** Right. I'm sure it has nothing to do with how Macbeth wants to kill him and all.  
  
**Lady Macduff:** Daddy is dead!  
**Macduff Junior:** Way to give me material to talk over with my therapist in twenty years.  
**Messenger:** Get out of here or you'll get killed.  
**Lady Macduff:** But I haven't done anything wrong! How unfair!  
**First Murderer:** Hi, we're here to kill you.  
**Second Murderer:** Yeah. Both of us.  
**Lady Macduff:** Oh no, oh no, oh no!  
**Macduff Junior:** Honestly, mother. While you were screaming,they went and killed _me_! [dies]  
  
**Malcolm:** Life sucks.  
**Macduff:** Jeez, you'd think your father had just died or something. Oh, God, I'm sorry!  
**Malcolm:** Are you a traitor?  
**Macduff:** No, that's _Macbeth._  
**Malcolm:** My bad. Your names sound alike. He's a jerk.  
**Macduff:** No shit, Sherlock. Didja figure that one out all by yourself?  
**Malcolm:** Oh, shut up. Not only that, but he's a bad king.  
**Macduff:** Again, I have to ask...  
  
**Ross:** Life in Scotland has been rotten since Macbeth took over. He won't say more than five syllables together!  
**Macduff:** How're my wife and kids?  
**Ross:** Idiotic, but okay last I checked. Except for the fact that they're all dead, of course.  
**Macduff:** That jerk!  
**Malcolm:** Didja figure that one out all by yourself?  
**Macduff:** Let's all get together and kill him.  
**Malcolm:** Sounds like a plan.  
  
**Gentlewoman: **Lady Macbeth is having trouble sleeping.  
**Doctor:** How sad for her.  
**Lady Macbeth:** Out, damnéd spot, already!  
**Doctor:** Dear god.  
**Lady Macbeth:** God, Macbeth, you're such a wimp! I hate you! And I wish this damnéd spot would get out already!  
**Doctor:** This is kinda freaky.  
  
**Menteith:** We're English. We're going to attack Scotland. Cause Macbeth is bad.  
  
**Macbeth: **Nothing can hurt me.  
**Doctor:** You've gone insane!  
**Macbeth:** Gone?  
  
**Servant:** There are soldiers coming!  
**Macbeth:** I can't hear you!  
  
**Malcolm:** Go into this handy-dandy forest, and everyone get a tree branch to whack Macbeth with.  
**Menteith:** Huh?  
**Malcolm:** I don't know why, okay? I just do what the script tells me to do!  
  
**Macbeth:** They're coming.  
**Servant:** Lady Macbeth is dead, sir.  
**Macbeth:** Damn.  
**Servant:** The forest appears to be moving toward you, sir.  
**Macbeth:** Shit. But still the mother thing.  
  
**Macduff:** Everyone blow your horns so our crude attempt at a sneak attack under camoflage will fail miserably and they'll know we're coming.  
  
**Macbeth:** Still safe.  
**Siward Junior:** What's your name?  
**Macbeth:** Macbeth.  
[They fight. Macbeth kills Siward Junior.]  
**Macbeth:** Ha ha.  
  
**Macduff:** Here we go.  
  
**Macduff:** I'm going to kick your butt!  
**Macbeth:** No!  
**Macduff:** But I am the great, the mighty -- DUFF-MAN!  
**Macbeth:** Born of woman?  
**Macduff:** NO! I was ripped from my mother's womb in what was no doubt an incredibly painful precursor to the modern day C-section!  
**Macbeth:** Damn!  
[Macduff kills Macbeth.]  
**Macduff:** I DA MAN!  
  
**Servant:** Siward Junior is dead.  
**Siward: **That _idiot_!  
  
**Macduff:** He's dead! He's dead! Malcolm is now king!  
**Malcolm:** Hey, cool. And I didn't even have to do anything.


	11. The Sonnets Part One

The Condensed Version of The Sonnets  
Part One  
By Sicily  
  
Although this piece remains around a PG rating, it contains several direct references to slash and homosexual relationships. I've taken that all from the original poetry, more or less, but if that sort of thing bugs you, or you don't want to think of Shakespeare that way, I'd suggest you skip this.  
  
  
**I**  
You're pretty. Therefore you should procreate.  
  
**II  
**When you're old, wouldn't it be nice if you had pretty kids?  
  
**III**  
I mean, come on, who would reject YOU?  
  
**IV**  
It's really selfish of you not to pass along the good genes.  
  
**V**  
You're not going to stay good looking forever, you know.   
  
**VI**  
Since you won't be pretty forever, why not have kids? Then they could be pretty for you.  
  
**VII**   
If you don't get married and have kids, you'll die alone and unloved, found a week later half eaten by rats.  
  
**VIII**  
It's against every rule of nature for you to be single, you know.  
  
**IX**  
If you die after you have kids, it won't be remotely sad.  
  
**X**  
People love you, and you're not married, and that's just fundamentally wrong.  
  
**XI**  
So, years go by . . . you're not married . . . this should sound depressing to you . . .  
  
**XII**  
Look, is your biological clock BROKEN, or what?  
  
**XIII**  
What part of the phrase you should have kids is hard for you to understand?  
  
**XIV**  
Look, your horoscope today says something about love of your life.  
  
**XV**  
That was a hint, in case you were wondering.  
  
**XVI**  
The only way to really live forever is to have kids. Seriously.  
  
**XVII**  
No one will believe me if I just say you're pretty. You have to have pretty kids to prove it.  
  
**XVIII**  
I take it all back. You're gorgeous and perfect and you'll live forever in my poetry.  
  
**XIX**  
I forbid Time to touch you. I'm considering having you put in stasis, actually. Like on Star Trek.  
  
**XX**  
I'm in love with you. Too bad you're a man. Eh, well, I can deal.  
  
**XXI**  
I wish I had one of those old fashioned classical muses who responded to abstract beauty. Oh, well, you'll do.  
  
**XXII**   
I'm only as old as you look. So no pressure or anything.  
  
**XXIII**  
When I talk to you, it's like I left my script at home. Hence the poetry left on your doorstep.  
  
**XXIV**  
I carry a picture of you in my heart. Yes, I know that's cliché, I'm doing my best here.  
  
**XXV**  
You know, I'm so much luckier than a soldier or a courtier. I'm in love and you love me back, so my happiness is secure for the rest of my days. Stop laughing, I mean it!  
  
**XXVI**  
I wish I were good enough for you. Feel free to order me about as you see fit.  
  
**XXVII**  
As I fall asleep each night, I think of nothing but you. Make of that what you will, but notice I did not come out and _say_ anything dirty.  
  
**XXVIII**  
Actually, come to think of it, I think of nothing but you in the daytime, too. So maybe it's not so much dirty as kind of obsessive and stalkerish.  
  
**XXIX**  
Sometimes I feel depressed, but then I think about you and feel better. God, you're great.  
  
**XXX**  
Seriously. It's like, I'm horribly depressed about my life, and everyone I know, and how everything is miserable, and then I think about you, and I don't feel suicidal anymore.  
  
**XXXI**  
You know who you remind me of? Everyone I ever loved who died.  
  
**XXXII**  
I really hope you don't die first. If I die first, you can take consolation from my poetry. It's not very good, but I kind of get incoherent when you're around.  
  
**XXXIII**  
You're the sun. You're ignoring me right now, and it's like you've gone behind a cloud. But don't worry, I still love you.  
  
**XXXIV**  
What the hell are you getting mad at me for? You really hurt my feelings. I think you should know, I only forgive you cause you're so pretty.  
  
**XXXV**  
Yeah, yeah, you're forgiven. I suppose no one's perfect. But I'm still holding a grudge.  
  
**XXXVI  
**We were meant to be together. That's why I'm breaking up with you.  
  
**XXXVII**   
I'm so living vicariously through you.   
  
**XXXVIII**  
How can I know you and still have writer's block? This bites.  
  
**XXXIX**  
We never see each other anymore. But I _think_ about you a lot.  
  
**XL**  
You just want me for my poetry. Don't think I don't know.  
  
**XLI**  
Now you're cheating on me with _girls_.  
  
**XLII**  
Fine. Take her. It doesn't matter to me. I never liked either of you very much. Really. But for the record, she likes me best.  
  
**XLIII**  
I haven't slept in a week. I'm incoherent as I write this. But I'm still thinking about you!  
  
**XLIV**  
If it were just the long distance thing, we could work with it. It's the you not being in love with me thing that's hurting the relationship.  
  
**XLV**  
You'll never ever get away from me. Seriously. Sad, isn't it?  
  
**XLVI**  
You're so pretty! And you're a woman! And you're totally cheating on me behind my back.  
  
**XLVII**  
I have such a crush on you. Such! A crush! On you! You cheating brat!  
  
**XLVIII**  
I keep trying to think well of you, and failing.  
  
**XLIX**  
One day you'll leave me, but I really can't figure out a good reason for me to be in love with you, so, you know, whatever.  
  
**L**  
This love affair has all the excitement and joy of a long drive through Montana.  
  
**LI**  
Oh, what do you mean I go to slowly? It's because, um, I can't bear to be parted from you. Yeah, that's it.  
  
**LII**  
Honey, I'm home!**  
**


End file.
